Movie review of the day -- M. Night Shyalaman's Signs.

I see stupid people...

(SPOILER -- IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN 'SIGNS' AND YOU ARE DUMB ENOUGH, I MEAN REALLY DUMB ENOUGH, TO *WANT* TO SEE THIS AWFUL TRIPE, DON'T READ ANY FURTHER. IN FACT, DON'T VISIT THIS SITE AGAIN....)

Here's what I hated. You have a race of (supposedly) highly intelligent yet hostile space aliens that can:

• Master intergalactic space travel,
• Create a fleet of space ships that hover over the earth,
• Use invisible force fields to protect the fleet, and
• Camoflauge their skin perfectly with the surrounding environment.

Cool. Now let's take a look at how M. Night Shyalaman creates gaping plot holes so big you could drive a truck through them. To wit:

• The human race discovered you could actually "map" a sphere or globe with a coordinate system. Link HUNDREDS of years ago. That is, with one reference point and a "coordinate", you can pinpoint any place on earth (or any sphere for that matter). This concept seems to have eluded the space aliens. Instead, they go wandering around in corn fields making "signs" that mark landing points. Now, aside from making a cool Led Zeppelin album cover, this is a terrible way to navigate -- as if a corn field circle is going to me more visible from outer space than say, oh, maybe a tiny transmitter of some sort... They must be doing intergalactic space travel in a Yugo...
• How did they make the crop circles? They never explained that part, which is annoying since the "signs" are so mysterious and that's the name of the stupid movie.
• They communicate using common, unencrypted radio waves in the same frequency as a baby monitor. Right. Even the Iraqi army doesn't do that...
• They brought NO weapons except for some flatulent gland on their forearm. I can't stress this enough. If you are trying to take over another planet, and you've had a team of "recon" aliens on earth for awhile, wouldn't you realize that WE had guns? And maybe, just maybe, bring some sort of weapon? Joaquin Phoenix killed one with a baseball bat and a glass of water. OoooOOoooo... Scary aliens.
• The earth is covered by 71% water, and human beings are something like 60-70% water, which is fatal to these space aliens. Hmmm. You'd think they'd wear like a rubber suit or something, or pants at least, so that they didn't get killed with a glass of water.
• This part pissed me off more than anything, but you know how to thwart an intergalactic army of space aliens? Lock them (or yourself) in a closet, and nail a 2x4" over the door. THAT will stop them. Seriously. Honestly, didn't this part upset anybody but me? You have a highly advanced menacing civilization and they can't open doors? WHAT??? Even George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" -- which featured brain-dead zombies -- at least THEY could break down a door!!!
• The kid finds the book on UFO's at the town bookstore, and it knows everything about how the aliens will take over. And they start taking this as gospel. Hello? What fruitcake wrote this and how did he get the answers? Alas. Never explained.
• When they finally get out of the cellar in the morning, the upstairs door is carved with astological signs (all the way through). Hmmm. The aliens must have a Black and Decker jig-saw. I wonder why they couldn't do that the cellar door?

And the list goes on. Every scene I was just rolling my eyes in agony. The fundamental breakdown here is that the story doesn't make any sense. I hated this movie. Don't go see it. Ever.