I watched Old School over the weekend. Not a great movie by any stretch, my I have a 3-laugh rule. Any movie that makes me laugh out loud at least 3 times gets a thumbs up. Thanks to Will Ferrell, this made the cut -- with one of the laughs actually doubling me over. "Ferrell makes acting like a moron seem like a natural and endearing byproduct of middle-class American befuddlement." -- Chuck Wilson, L.A. WEEKLY

Was that a compliment or a slam?

You're an 80's child if...

If you haven't already done so, sign up for the national Do Not Call list... It doesn't go into effect until October, but still...

I spent a good portion of the weekend cutting together my first home movie, taken a couple of weekends ago with my nephew and niece at Como Fest. It turned out pretty good. I used an editing package called Video Explosion Deluxe (stupid name, but pretty good software). The final cut had over 100 shots, was 30 minutes long, used a soundtrack with Harry Nilson, The Replacements, and Chic, and took about 5 hours to render into the finished file (which was a mere 750 MB's). Needless to say, I would be able to publish it here, but I'm still trying to figure out a way to get short movies made of the State Fair to publish -- the bandwidth thing is going to kill me...

If anybody knows of a good way of distributing large files (for free or at low cost), let me know.

U.S. supreme court overturns law banning gay sex. Strom Thurmond drops dead. Coincidence?

Got writer's block? Try OneWord. It's quite fascinating. You click a button and they give you "one word" -- then you have exactly 60 seconds to write anything that pops into your head about that word. It's addicting.

McSweeney's scripts for everyday use.

You have to be a Raymond Carver fan to get this, but it's quite funny. Ask Raymond Carver.

Next time you're feeling a little angry, try the Scarface Soundboard.

Oh, and an update on the Giraffe naming contest. I didn't win. The name they picked was Jahari... Lame. My pick (actually my Dad's) was Twiga, the Swahili word for Giraffe. And (I thought this would be cute) -- as a nickname, they could call here Twiggy. You know, the leggy, lanky 70's supermodel...

As it turns out, the new giraffe is a MALE. Yeah, thanks for (not) mentioning that on your contest web site... As Adam Sandler so adeptly stated in The Wedding Singer (.....)

Welcome KS95 fans. For those of you that missed it, I yesterday I was called in as a resident (as in "institutionalized") expert on my field of expertise -- Pronto Pups. About 6:00 on the Moon in the Afternoon show, they posed that eternally vexing question: "What's the difference between corn dogs and Pronto Pups, and why should I care?"

And when such a question arises, you need strong medicine. You need Dr. Pronto Pup -- now making house calls.

Anyway, I guess they found this site by searching for Pronto Pups, and asked if I'd be willing to illuminate the masses on what I like to call, the True Word of Battered Weiners on a Stick. I obliged. It's my calling.

To quickly recap:

Corn Dogs = corn meal batter, "generic", Spongebob-like texture to coating, favorite of carny-folk

Pronto Pups = wheat-flour based batter (with some corn meal), "Lifestyle Brand", crispy golden-brown hue to coating (glistens in sun), favorite of Josh Hartnett

To order the real batter and find out more about this topic -- go to the OFFICIAL Pronto Pup web site at www.prontopup.net

After the call, I had a few chats with other idiots who had nothing better to do. Don't believe me -- check it out...

Moni's House Husband says:
So was it pronto-p or p-daddy?
Brian says:
P-diddy... As in "I'm dating Jennifer Lopez" and have a geeky web site...
Moni's House Husband says:
True..
Moni's House Husband says:
So True..
Brian says:
Referring to J-Lo, I'm sure...
Moni's House Husband says:
Both.. the dating and the geeky web site..
Brian says:
Well. My 15 minutes are up... I didn't know I was being recorded when I was talking, so that kind of threw me off...
Brian says:
Oh well.
Moni's House Husband says:
Recorded.. as in off-air?
Brian says:
Yeah. They actually recorded me about 10 minutes before it "aired"...
Moni's House Husband says:
Oh.. so you got to hear yourself talking... kinda wierd..
Brian says:
Very weird. I sound like a dork. So now I know what the rest of you must think of me...
Moni's House Husband says:
No.. just a guy with a geeky website..
Brian says:
Same difference.
Moni's House Husband says:
So I assume you called in?
Brian says:
Yes, although they were going to call me, so I'm not sure if I beat them to the punch...
Moni's House Husband says:
Oh.. so how did they find out about you?
Brian says:
The "dude" -- "moon" -- I guess he was searching on pronto pups on the web to find out about the phenomenon, and he found me, so he sent me an e-mail last night saying they wanted to put me 'on the air'... Who am I to refuse?
Moni's House Husband says:
Of course that was before you knew what you sounded like...
Brian says:
Right.
Moni's House Husband says:
And now.. you'll regret it..
Brian says:
Exactly!
Moni's House Husband says:
Well.. hopefully I wasn't the only one who heard you.. cause if I was.. then I have complete spin over this story..
Brian says:
My brother taped it... Not that I'm terribly proud of that, but still...
Moni's House Husband says:
Cool.. then we can get the tape and play it over-and-over-and-over again..
Moni's House Husband says:
Can he .mp3 it.. put it up on KaZaA
Brian says:
It's just a matter of converting it to an MP3 and putting it on Kazaa...
Moni's House Husband says:
Scary
Brian says:
Retard_Corn_Dog.mp3
Moni's House Husband says:
Retard_Pronto_Pup_Com.mp3
Brian says:
Exactly.
Moni's House Husband says:
Ok dude.. I will see you tmr.. er hear you tmr..
Brian says:
Okay. Jan is starting a chat, so we'll talk to you later. Damn Dutch...

(Meanwhile, over at the house of a crazy Dutchman...)

Jan says:
nice radio interview...
Jan says:
now you are the official Twin Cities Pronto Pup Expert
Brian says:
I guess. I was just chatting with Shish about my brush with fame...
Jan says:
dj said myprontopups.com though
Jan says:
I hear you call me a Damn German...
Brian says:
Yeah, I know. Stupid radio folk... Still, I hope a galaxy of radio listeners will be able to see "Dutchman at the Fair".... Expect fan mail soon...
Brian says:
Ja.
Jan says:
it already feels different when I walk on the street
Jan says:
expect to be recognized any moment
Brian says:
I'm wearing Groucho glasses to work tomorrow... Just to keep anonymous.
Jan says:
Shish is like an old woman - he gossips
Brian says:
And has bladder control problems.
Jan says:
he may look innocent but beware
Jan says:
you noticed that too?
Brian says:
Depends.
Brian says:
Literally.
Jan says:
well, enjoy fame
Brian says:
Ah. Just a day in the life...
Jan says:
...for bicycle repair main...
Brian says:
for "too short to reach Unimax on the sign"...
Jan says:
click
Jan says:
I remember
Brian says:
Ja.
Jan says:
bitte
Brian says:
Gutten nacht...
Jan says:
eine halbe liter Hacker Pschor bitte schweinhund **
Jan says:
bye
Brian says:
later...

** according to AltaVista's translator, this means "half litre of Hacker Pschor asks pig dog"... Nobody really understands the Dutchman, so we just nod a lot...

I was just reflecting on my CeBIT trip from last week. CeBIT is this big trade show about computers and software and communications. It's got the latest gizmos and do-dads and techno-geeky gadgets that go Bing! Normally, I dig that kind of stuff.

But, it's mostly hype. And everyone knows it.

I mean, very little of it is revolutionary -- in the sense that it changes the way we work, think, or actually communicate. But, there are exceptions. There are always exceptions.

To wit: On my last morning in NYC, I woke up early -- like 4:00 or so -- and having nothing better to do, and having high-speed internet access in my room, well, I just fired up the laptop and started foraging for some stupid tidbits of news to keep my amused until the hotel Starbucks opened. Just like any other Saturday morning, really.

But then, "be-de-bing". My IM client popped up. What insane fool (aside from me) is up at this hour?

It was Eve. And for the next 10 minutes or so we had a little chat. No big deal. Well, except for the fact that she was sitting in an hostel in Sidney, Australia, a full day ahead of me. And I was looking down over the ever-glittering lights of Broadway. And we just had this normal conversation about nothing. Just a normal little "how's it going" and "Have you tried the Kangaroo? I hear it tastes like chicken." and "Say, you're kind of sophisticated... How in the HELL do you hail a taxi in this town?" You know, just chit-chat...

But my mind still gets caught up that we are having a stupid conversation from opposite sides of the planet... Marvelous.



In conclusion, here's some pictures from Eve's visit to the Whitsunday Islands. (Lucky bastard).

That looks fun. I have a sneaky suspicion that Eve's not coming back to the U.S. At least not for a while.

Good thing I have internet messaging... be-de-bing...

Worst band names. Ever.

Gotta add this guy to my Sexy Brians list -- Pastor Brian Tamariki.

Fantabulous... Remember the quality cinema of the 80's? Remember how every movie ended? If you need to refresh your memory, check out an 80's ending... (needs bandwidth)...

The Nigerian e-mail conference.

Post-It art.

The Minnesota State Fair just announced its music line-up. Normally, the best you can hope for is one good show.

And this year, we have one. The B-52's with The Suburbs. Playing Friday, Aug. 29th. Mark your calendars. Tickets go on sale Friday.

I know it will be a great show. I saw the B-52's (with the Violent Femmes) at the State Fair, oh, let's just say a few years ago. Love Shack, baby...

Hmmm. Maybe I should have a party?

Too funny. Not only did I get to see Gallagher yesterday, but he's in hot water today for going to the New York Stock Exchange and breaking a watermelon over a trader's head. Hmmm. Maybe he was using Google to find directions to NYSE???

A few days ago I posted a link to one of James Lilek's bleats. Today he gets photoshopped on Fark.com. Well, he asked for it...

Almost had a good day at CeBIT. My company's software was up for a best of show award in the Enterprise Platform Software category (and no, it's not a Star Trek reference). We lost out, but I was all excited because I would have got my picture taken with the glorious crystal geek award. "You LOVE me!!! You REALLY, REALLY LOVE me!..." Never got to use that speech, but maybe I'll go down and sing with the Naked Cowboy tonight...

The CeBIT show is pretty much of a dog, despite the hype 20,000 attendees will be here. I doubt they get a fraction of that, based on today's attendance.



Here was today's most promising prospect -- the comedian Gallagher, shown here searching for his Google identity in the booth next to us.

Other interesting things in New York:

Last night I blew 2 days worth of per diems to have a fabulous 3-course dinner at Sardi's, the broadway landmark. It was worth it.

Similarly, I blew my 15 minutes of fame. While standing in the discount tickets line (I didn't end up going to a show), a roving reporter from Fox news walked up and asked if anyone wanted to be interviewed for Bill O'Reilly's show, The O'Reilly Factor. As soon as the reporter said this, I rolled my eyes a little too obviously -- "You! I saw you! You rolled your eyes! If you don't like Bill O'Reilly, that's even better!..."

I declined. I'd rather have Al Franken fight my battles for me...

Not Waving But Drowning
by Stevie Smith

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

No, I'm not being especially erudite today. It's just that this poem came to me while I was standing for over 10 minutes trying to hail a goddam taxi. I swear, at least 100 cabs -- many of them empty -- passed me by. Still, I kept trying. A little less swish to the wrist. More forcefully. While grabbing my crotch and yelling "Yo"! All to no avail. Finally, as I stood in the middle of Broadway, I continued waving like an idiot until I heard a voice calling. "Brian... Brian..."

My coworker was halfway down the block, hopping into a cab, effortlessly. While I stood there. Like an idiot. Waving.

No, not waving but drowning...

New York is pretty weird. I really don't "get" New York. I suppose it depends on the time and circumstance -- but so far, on a few business trips, I just don't "get" it.

I went for a long walk yesterday -- through the theater district and into the aptly named Hell's Kitchen. It could have been more enjoyable, but there's always a persistent wariness. It's not necessarily that the neighborhoods are bad, it's the people. Strange people. And not strange in a good way, either. Like the psycho cabbie -- Mustapha -- who drove me from the airport to the hotel. He was the epitome of the crazy NY cabbie -- honking, veering, flipping people off, and yelling racial epithets out the window. Later, in the middle of Times Square, a group of guys got into a fight -- like a serious fist fight. And, as you might guess, the other New Yawkers cheered them on...

Politeness is not something I've seen much of here -- and that doesn't surprise me. People don't seem to smile much.

The hotel is right on Times Square and the room is incredible. My window looks out over the big jumbo-tron screens that you always see on TV. At first, that was pretty cool, but when you wake up at 2:00 and see Rosie O'Donell's face just outside the window -- AAaaaHHHH!... Coolness has it's limits.

The high-point of the trip so far -- getting to see, live and in person, the one and only -- Naked Cowboy.

Now some other stuff:

The art of winning at Carnival games.

Porn star or My Little Pony?

Happy (belated) father's day. Good TV dads. Bad movie dads.

This was my weekend.... hanging around the neighborhood (taken with my cheapie camera, so the quality isn't suberb),

As you're reading this, I'm probably 33,000 feet over Michigan... I'll see if I can post when I'm in... New York, New York, it's a wonderful town... it's a da-da da-DA... da-da Da-da... brown... However the hell that song goes...

I'm in a New York state of mind...

This is wonderful. The Segway Human Transporter has been marketed a the world's first dynamically stabilized, self-balancing Human Transporter... Which just goes to show you -- George Bush isn't Human.

Reebok commercial -- lose the beer belly.

Cool gadgets from 1983?

Guitar face.

Creepy -- Me and Billy Bob. Some chick edits herself into scenes from Billy Bob Thornton movies... Interesting, but creepy...

Indie rock continues to follow in the footsteps (or whatever) of Paul Westerberg...

Lilek had a good bleat yesterday. Among other things, he talks about NYC hotels, which I'll personally be experiencing next week at CeBIT America. Not sure exactly if or when I'll be updating, but I'm going to try to post some pictures if I have time. I'm going to be right on Time Square. Should be fun...

When Dads Clean House, It Pays Off Big Time. UC Riverside Sociologists say men likely to have better behaved children and wives who find them more sexually attractive. Of course, you have to wear the French Maid's outfit, but still...

Five disc jazz anthology still unopened. (By the way, I have this and the Miles Davis' Live at the Plugged Nickel sessions -- and they are opened and quite excellent if you are into jazz...)

And people still think the Star Wars Kid is funny, with new spoofs...

When a maaaa-an loves a woman... can't keep his mind on nothin' else... He'd trade the world... For a good thing he's found .... Michael Bolton sent to prison for 25 years for forcible sodomy.

Excellent question: How come the Hulk's pants stay on?

This is crazy paul. He sits next to me at work. Last weekend, he ran a crazy race -- 132 miles in 24 hours -- straight. Nobody knows why Paul does this. He says its for charity. I think he is crazy. Crazy, crazy Paul.

Actually, he won this race and raised over $2500 for FANS.

Have I taught him nothing?

(Speaking of which, I instant messaged with my Kiwi pal Eve last night -- she had just arrived in Australia for a little walk-about. She was getting ready to go to the Sydney Opera House, and then was heading up the coast to dive at the Great Barrier Reef. That's all I know. Lucky bastard.)

And finally, the New Yorker has a new David Sedaris piece.

Always good for a laugh. More cases from the files of Traig & McGrath, Shutin Detectives.

Automatic Bush tax cut calculator.

Like him or not, Jesse Ventura's dead right on this issue. In my opinion anyway.

You must choose. (Note: read the disclaimer...)

Waiting for Godot... The crosswalk to nowhere.

Interesting. Media frenzy 1, solid journalism 0. According to the Washington Post, only about 33 museum-quality artifacts were looted from the Baghdad museum -- not 170,000 as originally reported. Oops. Blame Jayson Blair...

Busy weekend. Yesterday I picked the nephew/neice and spent the day at Como Fest with my Mom. I'm exhausted. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

Hey Boo Boo... How's about a pic-a-nic bas-ket... Grizzly bear smashes the tent of a bear expert studying bear movement. Field observation: bears don't like being spied on. "He looked kind of playful," Rock said. "He pounced on the tent, rolled its back on it, rubbed up against a tree and left."

That kind of reminds me of one of my favorite Far Side cartoons -- though I can't find it online. It was a dad bear putting his two kid bears to bed. On each paw, he had a human skull with a baseball hat on -- like they were puppets. The caption read, "Okay, just one more and then it's off to bed for the both of you. 'Hey, Jim, think there are any bears in this old cave?' 'I dunno, Bob, let's find out...'"

Some classic other Far Sides here...

Slow news day. This is all I got...

See if you can score as hight as Martha Stewart on the perfectionist test.

Visit Dr. Bukk.

Watch a family grow up before your eyes.

The art of surf movie posters.

There's a hardcore band in LA called Corn Doggy Dog. Listen to some of their music and annoy your co-workers...

George Bush's road map to Middle Eastern peace.

Save Martha! It's a "bad thing". Or, get your Martha Stewart Lying T-shirt. I vote for the latter.

Hey, you got beer in my ice cream!
Hey, you got ice cream in my beer!
Two great tastes that taste great together -- beer ice cream! My prayer's have been answered. Thank you thank you thank you...

I love Hollywood. Roger Ebert and Vincent Gallo are in a huge cat-fight. I think Ebert's winning. I was overheard by a writer for Hollywood Reporter, who included it in his coverage about how badly the film was received, and that is another reason Gallo has put the heebie-jeebie on my colon and prostate. I am not too worried. I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than "The Brown Bunny." (The Brown Bunny is the purportedly disastrous film that Gallo premiered at Cannes.)

Soon enough, Microsoft will own everything.

And for the struggling writers out there -- some McSweeney tips on how to write better characters.

Clumsy cargo handlers foil James-Bond-style heist. Doh!

Hmmm. This'll be interesting to see how it plays out. The Beatles may be able to sue Apple for their new iTunes store... (story halfway down page)

Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman

The Let's Make A Deal paradox.

At thna Go-Ba... Go-Ba-Ga-man-na... Muthic and lanter ith all tha your athter... Barry Manilow breaks his nose.

Another interesting yet irrelevant list. AFI's list of the 50 best movie villains and heros.

Those greedy corporate bastards -- new study reveals less dill in pickles. Actually, the thing I liked the most about this article was it's reference to the industry trade group -- Pickle Packers International. I would LOVE to have that on my business card. My name is Peter. I'm a pickle packer. I can pick a peck of pickled... oh, you get the idea...

Honestly, this would get my vote. Al Franken for President. He's good enough. He's smart enough. And doggone it, people like him.

Feeling lonely ladies? Well, look no further. The GOPersonals...

No shirt, no shoes... no dice. Here's what our elected officials spend their time doing. Well, except for Rep. Arlon Lindner. He's probably trying to declare the 'yamulka' as non-clothing...

In 1982, a bunch of 12-year-olds came up with the brilliant idea of doing a shot-for-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark. 6 years later... They finished.

Duck Dodgerth... in the 24 and a half thhhhhentury! New NASA Mars Exploration Rover Missions will feature Marvin the Martian and Daffy Duck on patches.

Still recovering from Grand Old Daze, so this will be short.

Go amuse yourselves by watching some 80's commercials. (When the ad appears, click on the "continue to.." link at the bottom)

Or pick out a fun summer T-shirt.

Or ask yourself: Is it Art or Crap?