Hey, non-Minnesotans! It's -24 degrees outside. That's not wind-chill; that's the absolute air temperature. Brrrrr.

Normally that wouldn't faze me too much, but I had quite a scare a couple of nights ago (when it was a mere -12). After working upstairs for a spell, I came down to tune into American Idol (yeah, so shoot me), only to find that my house was a cool 60 degrees. I checked the furnace control and it was supposed to be 69. Uh-oh.

I'll skip all the theatrics, but for the next 10 minutes I was running around the house--upstairs, then downstairs--where's my goddamn flashlight--oh man--what does that switch do?--should I flip it on?--I need more light--goddamn flashlight!--arrgh! Guess how many times you can say holyshit in a 10 second period of time. Thirty-one.

Using my well-tuned technical support skills, I was able to fix it just turning it off and then back on. I heard a few clicks and then whooosh! - a bright blue flame. I was, to say the least, much relieved. I'm not very handy, so "things not working" are a matter of some concern. Whew!

In other news:

Roger Ebert on the Academy Award nominees: They got it right!

David Hasselhoff wants credit for the fall of the Berlin wall.

'Surreal Life' turns Tammy Faye & porn king into bosom buddies. (I watched it again last night and oddly enough, Tammy Faye and Ron Jeremy are the most 'normal' ones on the show. Go figure.)

Super Bowl urban legends.

Lottery winner uses prize to buy headstone with attitude. Lee said his tombstone will read, ``Been there, done that'' and show ``a champagne glass, a royal flush, a slot machine, a nude woman facing backward and a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse.''

Damn you Randy Newman!

The Oscar nominees were announced yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised that Keisha Castle-Hughes was nominated for a best actress for her role in Whale Rider. After I watched Whale Rider, just a couple of nights ago, I remember proclaiming "If there's any justice in the world, she should get the best actress award"... Now, she just might get her chance. For once, I'm impressed that the Academy selected someone that was a deserved long-shot.

Merlin's lists of fives.

Tired of blonde jokes? Try some jokes about red-heads, but beware... they might get offended. He said, "The advertisement will add to the atmosphere of denigration that currently exists in New Zealand towards red-headed males and I am sick of dealing with the repercussions of such ill-thought out humour."

Just finished You Shall Know Our Velocity. Quite good -- I'd recommend it.

Chunky Monkey!

Ben Cohen (found of Ben & Jerry's) explains the federal budget using Oreo cookies. Watch it!

Or, you can just read about the record-setting deficit of $477 Billion instead. With no cookies.

Grant Hart (one of the founding members of Husker Du) talks about going to high school with Tim Pawlenty. That's the funny thing: I knew the guy for years, and it's still like he's a cipher. He's Chauncey Gardener. With a lot less Zen. You know, I'd vote for Chauncey.

So true. I'd vote for Chauncey as well.

Aach! I may have to vote Republican after all: Democrat candidates' favorite CDs. Worst pick was Wesley Clark: "Journey - Greatest Hits". Ewww! Do you want to slow dance, General Clark?

Weird but addicting Penguin batting game.

Breakdancin' III - Papal Boogaloo. "Artistic talent is a gift from God and whoever discovers it in himself has a certain obligation: to know that he cannot waste this talent, but must develop it," John Paul said. He also added, "Now, go get your freak on and bust it down -- Hammertime!"

Your highness... what... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Don't mess with Al Franken. Wise-cracking funnyman Al Franken yesterday body-slammed a demonstrator to the ground after the man tried to shout down Gov. Howard Dean. Afterwards, he stood up and went Yeaaaagggghhhhhh!

Question: What's the difference between George W. Bush and a parrot?

Amazon's getting political -- you can now donate to your favorite candidate through their store. Or, you can just buy more books, which is what I'm doing. Lyndon LaRouche is running again? Sheesh.

Helpful writing tip -- 10 mistakes writers don't see (but can easily fix when they do).

The automatic bad movie trailer generator. I tried it with The Butterfly Effect -- not bad.

Surviving IKEA. We're getting our first IKEA store here in Minnesota later this summer.

Listen to a whole slough of Dean parody songs featuring his (now infamous) Yeeeeaaaagggghhhh!

Question: What's the difference between George W. Bush and a monkey?

What George Bush left out of the State of the Union address.

Ways I, Howard Dean, Can Turn Things Around!

Live long and prosper, geeks!

Good grief! A midyear update from Miss Othmar.

I really like this site -- search through other people's "mix tapes". The Art of the Mix.

Whenever a friend of mine has a bad day -- his job stinks or the world seems particularly surreal -- I can count on him to utter a phrase that makes us both feel better:

"Wouldn't it be great to see a monkey riding a dog right about now?" he'll say. "Wearing a little hat and some chaps, a tiny little six-shooter strapped to his waist?"

And make sure you enlarge the picture.

The Worst of the Twin Cities, according to Pulse.

And so it begins. Today marks the first day of the St. Paul Winter Carnival. And for those of you not in Minnesota, just a note: It's minus 12 degrees outside, NOT including wind-chill...

Check out the live web cam of the Ice Palace, too.

I wish I had found this last night. It might have been useful.

Listen to Al Franken's response to the State of the Union address on Music for America.

This sums it up for me. The REAL state of the union.

Type in a musical artist you like and see related artists.

Leave it to the Dutch. A giant wood-fired hot tub that looks remarkably like a large cappuccino mug.

If you're a Netflix subscriber, you'll want to check up the new release updates at Hacking Netflix.

Interesting concept. Pay this artist $100 and give him up to 3 keywords -- and he'll create an original piece of art for you.

You're not foolin' anybody. Bad storefront conversions.

Hmmm. Bob Mould (former lead singer of Husker Du) has a blog.

Kerry says he's Underdog.



Underdog?

Barf!

I talked to my brother yesterday, and he told me this story. Appararently, a guy I went to high school with is currently working as an executive for a company that makes windshield wiper fluid. Okay, not the most glamorous job on the planet, but hey, you probably have a gallon jug of it in your garage, right?

And this may be a shock to you, but there haven't been that many revolutionary advances in the making of windshield wiper fluid. Until now, that is.

Some marketing genius at this company came up with the following brilliant idea: Add an air-freshener scent into the fluid, so when you turn your wipers on and spray, the air intake vent (just underneath the wipers) will 'suck in' the scented air -- thus freshening your car with every spray. Sound crazy? Maybe so, but it has now been made and is available in Wal-Mart and Target stores nationwide. Brilliant!

So, this guy I went to high school with -- let's call him Mr. X -- he decides (being a dutiful employee) to actually try this stuff at home. So, he loads up his wiper fluid tanks with the fresh "Mountain Scent" (which smells like pine trees), and gives it a whirl with his young son in the back seat. Squirt. Wipe. Ahhh... Only the kid in the back seat -- X Jr. -- covers up his nose and goes "Ohhh! Barf!!!"...

Mr. X is a bit confused. "But son, it smells just like... pine trees." Not to be deterred, the kid maintains that it does, indeed, smell like barf.

Fast forward. A while later, Mr. X is driving with his daughter. Same thing. Squirt. Wipe. Ahhh... Only this time the daughter goes, "Ewww! That smells like barf, Dad!..."

"What? This smells like pine trees? It's a mountain scent... It smells like the great outdoors... What are you talking about?"

After a brief interrogation, the truth is revealed. You know that red sawdust-like absorbant used to soak up barf in school? Well, guess what industrial 'pine scent' is used? Yep. The same chemical that gives the barf soaker it's odor is now being used as windshield wiper air freshener.

Which, of course, means just one thing. In tens of thousands of cars around the nation, parents will wipe their windshields only to have their children reel in nauseated horror. And, just perhaps, more barfing will ensue.

Moral of the story: I think it's going to be a very good year for the industrial pine scent people.

Don't do it.

Still adjusting to my new life. On Friday, I had a serendipitous afternoon. First, a trip to the Barnes & Noble just up the street to get my new book club selection -- Angels and Demons. I was too impatient to actually order it through Amazon, and it's a cheap mass-market paperback, so what the hey... I can actually buy something at a store. Right?

So, as I'm browsing around (I do like browsing), I find myself engrossed in a new collection of poems by Charles Bukowski.

Now, I'm not very big into poetry. Most of it, I just don't "get". I remember in college, one of the first classes I had was in literature, and it had a heavy dose of Ashbery and Yeats. I didn't enjoy it. Not at all. Too abstract for me to gleen anything from their words. But somewhere along the line, probably after a long night of studying calculus or physics (my core classes), I came to know Bukowski. Now THAT was poetry, if by reading two or three hundred words made you really feel something. And it did.

So, keeping with my better judgement, I didn't get the Bukowski book -- figuring I'd pick something up at the library instead.

But, once I made it to the library, I found out that they didn't have any Bukowski on the shelves -- not his poetry anyway. Oh well. So, I grabbed a few CD's and DVD's, and a book by John Gardner on writing. That would be good enough for now.

Then, it was off to the adjoining coffee shop, where I grabbed a cup of hot Earl Grey tea -- and set to write. I didn't have much insight, so I mostly blathered along in my journal. I felt unproductive. I did that for a bit, chatted online with some friends, and then called it a day. I went home.

Once home and back at my computer, I did some searches for Bukowski (still needing my 'fix'), and found this: so you want to be a writer.

And strangely enough, that made me feel a whole lot better. So I went downstairs and had myself a beer.

What is going on with the Republicans? Remember their catchphrase from 12 years ago -- It's the Spending, Stupid?

Bush supports: $1.5 BILLION to promote marriage to low-income couples (why?). $3.7 BILLION for religious groups. $12 BILLION to set up a Starbucks on Mars, to serve all those Halliburton employees. $100 BILLION (and counting) for the war in Iraq.

Man, I am SOOO glad we don't have a national debt of $6,988,602,001,011.26 or this would be scary.

Hmmm. Michael Moore is endorsing Wes Clark. Interesting.

I'm... too sexy for my shire... too sexy for my shire... Hobbit fashion.

The typical Internet user--far from being a geek--shuns television and actively socializes with friends, a study on Web surfing habits said Wednesday.

For the record, I don't shun and television (I embrace it) and most of my friends are creepy -- so I guess I bring down the average.

This is kind of fun. I like talking to myself and then pressing the appropriate buttons on the Instant Audience.

Simon swears.

I'm in. Whew! Finally.

Are you quirky alone? Who are the quirkyalones? There are many definitions, but we'll start with this one. Quirkyalones are people who resist the tyranny of coupledom precisely because they would prefer to be open to finding that "magical click," whether that click is found in the context of a romantic relationship, with friends, or on our own. And did I mention that losers are "in" this year?

Four word movie reviews.

A web cam for the world's oldest running lightbulb. It's been burning for, oh, 100 years now.

I am now soliciting new titles for my screenplay. My buddy Jeff has the current leader with "Shark Sandwich", which is now the working title. Speaking of...

Who are potential jurors for Robert Blake's trial? Christina Applegate and Harry Shearer. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Mm-hmm. New reality series... tonight, on Fox...

Al Franken signs up with liberal radio network. Take that, Rush. By the way, what do you get when you cross Rush Limbaugh with Oxycontin? An Oxymoron.

Gennifer Flowers (remember her?) signs on to new NY music review -- Boobs! The Musical.

Paris Hilton tops Blackwell's 'Worst Dressed' list. Paris Hilton? Dressed?

Welcome to the geek bachelor pad of the future -- lit entirely with LEDs.

What am I listening to these days? I just got the Best of Manu Negra CD. It's a weird fusion of Arab, African, and Latin rhythms played by punkers from France and Spain. If you like The Clash, you should check 'em out.

Dude, where's my karma?

Sigh. A little frustrated today. I've been working (for quite some time now) on a screenplay tentatively called "The Butterfly Effect", which is thematically based around this postulate of Chaos Theory: "when a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it creates a storm in another". In other words, very small changes or events can produce radically different outcomes. It's why weather can never be accurately predicted and why no two snowflakes are the same. And, I thought that it would be a nice thematic foundation for a story.

Apparently, so did someone else.

Coming to a theater near you -- The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher.

The story is (obviously) completely different from mine, but still... Ach! How utterly disappointing. I'm now soliciting new ideas for the title. The Moth Effect? The Lepidoptera Effect? The Ashton Kutcher Effect?

Dude, I've been Punk'd!

Sigh.

Adventures in Dogsitting

Well, my dog sitting duties were brief. My Dad went down to Mexico on Saturday and dropped off Winnie, his German Shorthair Pointer. It was my trial run at having a dog. So, I had visions of making a fire, and having the dog splayed out and snoring in front of the fireplace. Unfortunately, that never materialized. Winnie was pretty freaked out in her new surroundings, so she barely left her little kennel cage the whole time she was here.

We did get a nice walk in yesterday morning. We set out to go over to Como Park, and found a little trail that cut through the woods and ends at the edge of the service road by the zoo. As we hit the service road, not 20 feet away, was a timber wolf staring at us. Beautiful animal. We didn't get to close, of course, but we stood there just watching the wolf. In the meantime, Winnie had circled me several times, tangling my legs in the leash. At this point, after several minutes, a van approached. So here I am, in the middle of the road watching a wolf, and I couldn't even move out of the way because my feet were tied up with the leash. I had to literally 'hop' off the road, providing great amusement to the wolf, I'm sure.

I was suppose to have Winnie for the whole weekend, but my Mom (who was visiting in Wisconsin) came back on Sunday and took her for the rest of the week. So, I didn't get much of a trial run, but it was nice having a reason to go for a long walk.

Which is bettern than... Cable TV made a West Bend man addicted to TV, caused his wife to be overweight and his kids to be lazy, he says. And now he's going to sue.

Don't be an @**hole, vote democrat in 2004.

How accurately could you draw a famous corporate logo from memory?

Good E.L. Doctorow quote on writing:

Planning to write is not writing. Outlining, researching, talking to people about what you're doing, none of that is writing. Writing is writing. . . . Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.

I've always thought of writing as being more like ice fishing. You drive out to the middle of a frozen lake. You drill a hole and lurk into the murky depths. Then you drop a line and wait. If you're lucky, you'll bring up something wet and slimy.

A good practical joke.

Speaking of: why is it called a practical joke? What's so practical about it?

A ranking of dog's intelligence by breed. If I ever get a dog, it's going to be a basset hound. Current rank -- 71 out of 79.

Here's to me and stupid.

Can an independent screenwriter living in Minnesota break into the big times? Ask Shawn Otto, who recently adapted The House of Sand and Fog into a major motion picture for Steven Spielberg's Dreamworks.

In fact, could he win the Oscar?

'Tis but a dream, but the fact it's possible is encouraging.


Just got a fantastic new book on E-bay. Minnesota State Fair - The History and Heritage of 100 Years. It's a first edition (probably only edition) published back in 1964. Some interesting photos and a lot of arcane information. Like this tidbit from the 1871 State Fair:

...But there was a fly in the ointment. Minneapolis was dissatisfied with the selection of St. Paul for what was then thought to be a permanent home for the Fair. They retaliated by having a Fair on the Hennepin County Grounds two weeks before the State Fair. Horace Greeley was again the orator and Col. W. S. King showed his thoroughbred cattle. Instead of showing them at St. Paul two weeks later, he took them to the Illinois State Fair. St. Paul businessman were aroused. The people bestirred themselves to promote the Fair and it was held Sept. 26 to 29 with a very successful climax and state-wide participation. Total receipts, $9,309. Total disbursements, $9,381. This was a small deficit, but the St. Paul folks had won a moral victory. The Fair was considered invaluable as an advertising medium and everyone, except the Minneapolis zealots, was satisfied.

Aroused? Bestirred? Climax? The ABC's of the fair -- then as it is now.

Taking it to the streets. Filmmakers can make their own 30 second campaign commercial against G. W. Bush using a creative commons license. See the results. Bush in 30 seconds.

The finalists are also being sent out to our panel of celebrity judges which includes Michael Moore, Donna Brazile, Jack Black, Janeane Garofalo, Margaret Cho and Gus Van Sant. These judges will determine which ad wins the contest overall.

And speaking of Jack Black...

Lisa Simpson vs. Jessica Simpson.

What the Halle is she thinking? I vote to name the little dude Montecore.

And a new Strong Bad e-mail (finally).

Cute Couple Confessions. Good: "Our big ritual is Sunday morning coffee. If one of us wakes up first, we dart to Dunkin Donuts, and bring back coffee for the other. This is actually how he proposed! He just got back from Dunkin Donuts and got down on his knee!" Bad: "Each morning, my husband and I wake up at 5:30 a.m. even though we don't have to be at work until after 8. We use that time to sit in our matching pink pajamas and drink coffee and listen to Cat Stevens."

Reality TV Update:

Televangelist Tammy Faye Messner, Ice Ice babe Rob Van Winkle, porn prince Ron Jeremy, MTV vixen Trishelle, Baywatch babe Traci Bingham, Erik (CHiPs) Estrada, all living together under one roof - what can you call that but surreal?! The next season of Surreal Life. Looking good!

Also on the reality show line-up -- The Apprentice, where 16 contestents back-stab their way to the top of Donald Trump's empire. Check the Reality TV Calendar for updates and showtimes.

And, while not reality TV, here's a link (again) to one of my all-time favorite Reality Internet gags. The Spark's Date My Sister Project. Give yourself time to enjoy the entire spectacle -- it's brilliant!

Take The Spark's Personality Test. I'm a MASTERMIND!

Like just 8% of the population you are a MASTERMIND (SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this "scheming." Don't learn German.

Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader--you've definitely got the "vision" thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.

Famous masterminds in television: Dr. Claw, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Montgomery Burns.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

See what it was like in Times Square. It takes a while to load, but it's worth it.

Predicting the tech flops of 2004. And, 101 ways to save the internet. Some good ideas in there.

Find your ZIP code here.

Reality TV is getting ready for a new year -- Meredith is the new Bachelorette.

Osama's on Friendster.

Initial idea for Gigli said to have originated in Canada.