I went out to dinner with a few friends at Ike's last night. I tried the lobster corn dogs, which they tease will be "coming to the state fair soon". Pretty good, actually. It was like battered crab cakes on a stick -- I recommend it.

I'm not exactly sure what this Ikea thing is, but it appears to live up to its name.

The Onion: Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens to Gay Marry.

Some Scripture remains church law, while other parts don't. Leviticus not only condemns a man "who lies with a male as with a woman" and the eating of pork. It also prohibits seafood without fins. And tattoos. Did I mention that I had lobster corn dogs last night? I am so going to hell.

Ever wonder why you can't run when you're having a nightmare?

Barry Manilow to be guest judge on American Idol. Yeah, I really didn't care either, but I liked the picture. This is what Clay Aiken will look like in 30 years.

Which reminds me... David Hasselhoff -- the new Tom Jones.

Well, it should be a busy weekend for me. I'm still planning to pick up Maddie sometime over the weekend. More pictures coming soon, I'm sure...

But God will smash the heads of his enemies, crushing the skulls of those who love their guilty ways. The Lord says, "I will bring my enemies down from Bashan; I will bring them up from the depths of the sea. You, my people, will wash your feet in their blood, and even your dogs will get their share!"
(Psalms 68:21-23)

You know what really irks me? These so-called "pet owners" I see milling around the PetCo store.

Ooooo. Look at me. I've got a cuddly little hamster. Look at my simply adorable tarantula. Isn't my Siamese Fighting Fish just the cutest?

No.

And here's more new for you -- they're not "pets". Now, I've done my research. If you look at the long cultural history of domesticated pets -- throughout history, mankind has only recognized one form of pet ownership. And that's man and dog. Period. You go back to caveman times, and you'll find that the only true pet has been man's exhaustive relationship with his trusty protector, hunting companion, and all-around good buddy. I mean, really, do you think they had hermit crabs back during the Renaissance? Did Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ever pen a tome entitled "The Squirrel of the Baskervilles"? Did ancient greeks make little stone exercise wheels for their hamsters? The answer is resoundingly "NO".

And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.
Matthew (15:27)

Only the lovable dog has been recognized universally as man's pet. And make no mistake, historically it has been a man's relationship with the dog that counts -- not women. Back in the old days, women weren't allowed to have property, let alone dogs. Sure, even though they may have contributed to the feeding, care, affection, and pooper-scoopering, that was their job. Only men have been worthy to own dogs. It's a culturally accepted fact. Go look it up.

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
(Psalms 26:11)

So, here's what I'm calling for: A constitutional amendment explicitly defining "pet ownership" as the bond created by one man and one dog. No cats. No pot-bellied pigs. No de-scented skunks. No women. One man, one dog. That's the culturally accepted norm throughout history, and who are we to challenge something as universally sacred as this special relationship?

If we fail to preserve the sanctity of this institution, and leave the decision of who gets to call themselves pet owners to those "activist judges", it simply opens the door to even more pervasive and repugnant claims of "pet ownership". Pet rocks. Chia Pets. Those stupid Tamagotchi things. Where does it stop? If these things can be called pets, where does that leave the man/dog bond? Is that worth NOTHING in our society?

So, please join me. Contact President Bush and make sure he amends to the constitution to protect the only legitimate, culturally significant, and morally acceptable form of pet ownership -- man and dog.

And for the rest of you hippie-dippy freaks who think Barnaby the Ferret is your everlasting "longtime companion" -- move to Canada, where you belong!

More warm weather and no snow!

Posters featuring celebrities with their favorite books. Like, Bill Gates reading The Old Man and the Sea or Cindy Crawford checking out The Hobbit.

What's new for the summer reality TV shows? Let's find out.

More dangerous associations found in photos of John Kerry.

Create-a-Nerd, V1.0.

Barcode yourself.

It was a dark and stormy night... Elmore Leonard's 10 rules for writers. 1. Never open a book with weather.

I think I should get this T-shirt of Roscoe P. Coltrane and his trusty basset "Flash". Yes?

Thanks to everyone for all of the name suggestions. There were some very good ideas, including:

State Fair themed: Pronto, Gedney, Princess Kay, Olympus (after my state fair camera)

Blues themed: Bessie (after Bessie Smith), Lucille (after B.B.'s guitar), Etta (after Etta James), Koko (after Koko Taylor)

Movie themed: Bobbie (after Bobbie Fleckman -- "the hostess with the mostest" in Spinal Tap), Jeanine (after David St. Hubbins girlfriend in Spinal Tap), Stella (STEL-LA!!!),

Others: Beatrice (Bea), Lulu, Lola, Rose or Rosie, Emma, Hilda, Bertha, Emily, Alma, Sis, DeeOGee, Belle, & Daisy

While I liked a lot of those, I ultimately decided to go with Madison. Actually "Maddy". Maybe it's not as cutesy as the others, but "Maddy" seems to fit her -- and she is from Madison, lutefisk capitol of the world. This was a leading contender, but the decicision was sealed on Saturday during my trip to Petco to get supplies. While I was crouched down to inspect a crate, I felt warm breath on the back of my neck. I turned to see a big, friendly old shepherd mix staring at me. As I petted her and chatted with the silver-haired lady on the other end of the leash, I asked what the dog's name was. The lady looked at her and said "Madison".

I think the old dog was trying to whisper something to me.

Maddy.

It's a girl!

Meet my new adopted puppy. The name is yet to be decided. "Pronto" seems to be the frequently suggested name, but I think she needs something a little different. I'm still fishing for suggestions.







She's still a little too young to come home, but right now it looks like another week and half and she'll be ready.

It was a big day. I had to drive waaaay out west (about 3 1/2 hours) just to see her. You know you're get out there when you start seeing the "Have you dug... Wall Drug..." signs. She was living at a rescue shelter just outside of Madison -- Lutefisk capital of the world -- just a few miles from the South Dakota border. She's about 5 weeks old right now and is active and healthy. Apparently, she and her family were taken in because she had been living with a family living in severe poverty. It seems they got the mom, not knowing she was pregnant at the time, and once the puppies came, they were unable to care for a litter of 10 hungry scamps. So, thanks to this wonderful shelter, she and her littermates will all find new homes.

I spent about 45 minutes let the little dudes crawl all over me and nip at my pant legs. And it was a painful decision to just have to pick one. But, I connected with this one. Jennifer from the shelter said it best. "They are devastatingly adorable." I couldn't agree more.

So, for now, I need to get out and do some puppy shopping and Basset-proof my home.

Road Trip

Big day. I got the magic call yesterday, so for the next 3 hours, I'll be cruising across the plains of Western Minnesota enroute to see these guys.

Fingers crossed.

Still no news on the Basset... yet. When I called on Saturday, they told me they'd give me a call this week to set up a visit. In my mind, "this week" meant 7:00am on Monday morning. Needless to say, I've been pacing around the house and checking e-mail about every 45 seconds.

I did go out and buy a couple of puppy books -- one was a short little book specific to Bassets, and they other was a more general book covering the A-Z topics. I'm finished with the first and about halfway through the second. Did I mention on still pacing around the house.

Thanks to those of you who sent in the name suggestions. I'll share those later -- once I have more to report. Two people actually pointed out that there is a painfully obvious name choice -- but of course, I'm still mulling that over. And I can absolutely guarantee it is not going to be "Thirst 'N Howl (the third)". Not gonna do it.

Some film-related distractions for the day (while I continue pacing):

• Make your day a nutrigrain day (feel great).
• Roger Ebert's glowing review of the new NC-17 rated Bertolucci film, "The Dreamers". What has happened in our society to make us embrace violence and shy away from sexuality?
• A rather depressing article -- Studios aren't interested in original scripts. In today's Hollywood, if you're talking about serious drama, the original script is almost as extinct as the woolly mammoth... The future for original material looks bleak...
• Too late for Valentines day, but here's a list of 100 romantic movies both he and she can agree on.
• And, the 50 worst films of the decade.

Happy Valentine's Day!



I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day, as I did. Yesterday morning I woke up, did a little cleaning around the house, made myself a pot of very strong coffee, and then went online to search for my perfect companion. It wasn't just a Valentine's day thing -- I check some online sites frequently looking for my one true love. A special someone who will love me unconditionally, who's faithful, and unbelievably cute.

And, maybe... just maybe... I found her.

I should mention that these online sites are aren't personals. They're animal rescue organizations, with pups and dogs that need good homes. And, after incessantly talking about getting a dog for something like 10 years now ("when the time is right... when I don't have to travel so much... when I can spend enough time to be a good caretaker..."), I may have won the golden ticket. With me working from home and being a little cooped up myself -- with spring just around the corner -- with a big park practically at my doorstep -- the time finally is right. I'm ready!

I found a rescue organization in Western Minnesota that had a purebred Basset hound Mom and a litter of seven 4-week old puppies. All needed homes. So I called (half figuring they would all be spoken for), but much to my delight -- the posting had only gone up the night before. They were still available!

It's still not certain by any means. The rescue group needs to interview me and make sure I'm suitable for adopting a little pup. And I still need to drive out and see them -- which if things work out I will be able to do this week. And I may have to compete with other families and homes if there's competition (which, I'm almost sure there will be).

But, at this very moment, I've hopeful. The picture above is just some stock photo (not any of the puppies in question), but I have seen pictures and they are adorable. I don't want to jinx it by getting too attached too soon, but if things work out... Later this week, you could see pictures of the latest State Fair mascot.

Wish me luck!

Also, it will likely be a little female pup. Please feel free to submit name suggestions to be here. Here's the running list. Current suggestions from...

• my nephew: Hot dog, Tripper, Cooper, Dog-with-owner-that-loves-cameras, Can’t-jump-up
• my niece: Hello Kitty, Martha, Beautiful, Rose
• brother and sister-in-law (respectfully): Dogbert & Josie

Wow. He actually did it. Bill O'Reilly apologizes (finally) for trusting the Bush administration and their lies.

American Idol reject William Hung's getting lots of attention. He's hot at UC Berkeley, where he studies engineering -- but he's scorching in Singapore, according to his unofficial publicist. "If he went there, women would rip his clothes off in the streets..." You bang, William!

The Onion: I want to fly a helicopter, not look at a bunch of crazy dials.

Here's the definitive recap of Bush's "Meet The Press" interview -- with Jon Stewart. (It takes a while to load, but it's worth it)

And of course, more rebuttle about that interview.

Michael Moore's open letter to Bush.

The 50 coolest monkeys of all time. Bush fails to make the cut.

More Republican Bashing

On Sunday, I watched "Meet the Press" with our fearless leader. I still can't believe this guy is running the country. Read the full transcript here. Then, just for kicks, read the Democratic National Committee's response (complete PDF file here) refuting his statements right down the line.

Some other interesting points regarding the current administration.

• Job creation (average monthly job growth) by recent presidents. See how Bush fares.
• Bush on the economy is similar to Bush on National Guard Duty -- AWOL.
• McSweeney's: Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies.
• Rules for being a republican.
• Question: What's the difference between a clean Chinese diaper and George W. Bush? (Answer: a new diaper isn't full of sh-t).

Freaks & Geeks

I watched a couple of interesting documentaries over the weekend. The first (freaks) was Hell House, a truly bizarre look at a fundamentalist religious zealots trying to scare the hell out of people using terror and gore. What I basically learned is that we're all going to hell (at least I am), as will the Dalai Lama. But that's okay -- maybe we'll have a couple of Daiquiris and watch Queer Eye while Rep. Arlon Linder flies around in that great big gated community in the sky.

The second (geeks) was much better: Spellbound -- nail-biting thriller about the National Spelling Bee. I'm not kidding, either. This is a riveting film, filled with characters and dialog that much more interesting than 99% of most commercial films. I highly recommend it.

And more gratuitous nipple talk. Nipple shields mark sharp increase in sales after Dammit Janet's breastacular half-time exposure.

If you're familiar with this whole "6 degrees of separation" thing, I figured out I can link myself to Janet Jackson's breast in 3 steps. About ten years ago, I took my senorita to see Arturo Sandoval at a latin jazz festival (sat front row, center stage). Arturo played Senorita with Justin Timberlake last night at the Grammy's. And Justin... well, you know. Three degrees of separation.



Speaking of... I think my Mom got a little concerned after reading about my nipple-baring escapades in Mexico. So, check out the new Nipple Sombrero (with gold tassel!)she made me! It has a suction cup on the back to attach to the nipple. Since I'm a little on the fair-skinned side, I'm sure this will come in handy. Thanks Mom!

Parody of the iTunes/Pepsi superbowl commercial.

Another goofy internet flash animation -- we like the moon -- has now been commercialized into a Quizno's commercial.

The '88 Dodge Aries -- the new face of cool.

How bad TV can save your life: Cops Stop Runaway Car, Evoke Erik Estrada. "Whenever they had a runaway car on 'CHiPs,' this is exactly what Ponch and Jon would do," Lovato told TheDenverChannel. "One is brunette and one is blonde just like Ponch and Jon, and they did what they needed to do and it turned out just perfect."

Jesus loves geeks.

The Amateur Gourmet brings a new recipe for Janet Jackson Cupcakes. Warning: nipple on page!

And the insanity continues. A Tennessee woman yesterday filed a proposed class action lawsuit "on behalf of all Americans" who watched the Super Bowl halftime show and were somehow injured by Miss Jackson's adorned nipple. The lawsuit contends that Jackson's exposure and other "sexually explicit conduct" during halftime festivities caused viewers to "suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury."

And finally, some good news. Great news, actually. Paul Westerberg is revving up for a new tour. He's even asking die-hard fans what we want to hear, and he might even bring a band this time and is soliciting suggestions... I'm going to vote for Ryan Adams.

It's just a nipple, folks!

"Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration," said [FCC chairman] Powell. "Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation's children, parents and citizens deserve better."

Come on, people. It's a nipple. I have one (two). You have one (two). The man with the golden gun has one (three). We all have nipples. And here's a fact I've never reported before. Once, when I was 21 years old and vacationing during spring break in Mexico, I actually exposed both of my nipples while lying topless on the beach. It's true. I'm not proud of it, but sometimes with enough Corona and warm Mexican sun... well, you know how it goes...

And granted, I didn't have a pierced metallic sunburst adorning my nipple (at least as far as my Mom knows), but still...

THEY'RE JUST NIPPLES. Actually, Nipple. Singular. As in, ONE nipple. ONE NIPPLE.

Of course, it's all about American tastes and 'family values'. I'm sure it's completely unrelated, but according to a recent Newsweek poll: ...a majority (51 versus 41 percent) also believes Bush did not willfully lie to the public. And despite claims by a former weapons inspector that Iraq had no illegal cache of weapons, half (49 percent) of those polled still believe Saddam Hussein’s regime played a direct roll in the September 11 terror attacks and a majority (55 percent, down from an even larger majority of 71 percent last summer) still believe Iraq had banned weapons prior to the war.

So, let's spend the next month or two talking about Janet Jackson's nipple, open an FCC probe, ban Justin and Janet from appearing at the Grammys, and ignore the fact that the President of the United States willfully lied to the public about WMD in Iraq (527 dead US soldiers, 3000 injured and still counting).

For the want of a nipple, the war was lost.

Last night, despite the heavy snowfall, I finally got around to seeing Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The title is misleading, though. Elvis didn't even have a cameo. Sure, they had Elves, but c'mon... that's bait and switch. I suppose it was okay though.

Dave Eggers is serializing his next novel on Salon.com. I just finished his YSKOV, which was good, so I'll be tuning in.

Farewell, postmodern literary theory. We hardly knew thee.

John Stossel exposes common myths.

Speaking of exposed boobs on TV: The Bill O'Reilly Iraq WMD Apology Countdown Clock. Bill O'Reilly - Good Morning America - 3-18-03 -- "And I said on my program, if -- if -- the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again."

Oh, I finally found a site that offers the right-wing rebuttle to Al Franken's book, Lies And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. Wow! Shocking. Shockingly bad, in fact. This is the most poorly written and logic-deprived rebuttle in the history of rebuttles. Read it if you want the counter-opinion, and if any of it makes sense to anyone, please let me know.

Of course, being somewhat curious, I did some investigating to see who was behind this website. The webmaster's e-mail address it the same as some goofy site called Richardland.com. Poking around, I found out that perhaps some of his ill-reasoned commentary is due to lack of oxygen. Here, he calls out to his "loyal listeners" to donate money so he can buy an air filter. I ain't got no dang fi hunna dollas yo. But 500 of you fine folks have 1 dollar... And since I don't know enough people who like me enough to give me a dollare - I've got a solution...

So there you have it. Another credible O'Reilly listener. Rock the vote, yo!

Pretty boring superbowl yesterday. At least as far as the ads were concerned, which is the sole reason I tune in. Well, usually, anyway. What was the deal with Justin Timberlake trying to open Janet Jackson's can of pringles? "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl," Timberlake said in a statement. "It was not intentional and is regrettable." Now, I have ReplayTV so I was able to replay that bit. 14 times actually. And I can assure you that it WAS intentional and not all that regrettable.

How someone can claim they "accidentally" reached over at the end of a song and grabbed and exposed a woman's breast is totally beyond me.

The superbowl was also an excuse for me to break in my new deep fryer, so I made some official Pronto Pups. Mmmm. Pronto Pups.

I saw this last week but I couldn't find a working link until now. Hey Ya, Charlie Brown! Shake it like a polaroid picture. (It takes a while to load, but it's worth it).

Crazy 70's bedrooms of future serial killers.

Tom Servo, RIP. Mystery Science Theater 3000 made its last cable TV appearance on January 31st.

My favorite contestant from the new American Idol gets his own web site. He bangs, he bangs!

Nice CNN screen shot. Chimp Gone Wild!

Alex, I'll take SWORDS for $200! And your mother is a whore! Jeopardy host Alex Trebek did this to cause him to run into a ditch and run over a bunch of defenseless mailboxes. What is Sleep.