Come back hewe, you cwazy wabbit!



Well, I think the neighborhood rabbits are going to be safe for awhile. Maddy I and spotted a rabbit in our backyard this afternoon. Now, Basset Hounds were originally bred in France to be rabbit hunters -- their low profile (Basset coming from the French word "bas", or "low") allowed them to quickly scamper through the underbrush, and their keen sense of smell allowed them to twack wascally wabbits back to their burroughs.

Anyway, when we spotted the little bunny, he took of running, and I was half-anticipating Maddy to give chase. Instead, she turned, looked at me with those sad droopy eyes, and pooped.

So, maybe she doesn't have that killer instinct.

This actually appeals to me. Disney's Pop Century Resort. And here's a review on its architecture and design. Opening in December 2003, this Hotel is a nostalgic journey through decades gone by. Each building within the Hotel features larger-than-life icons of pop culture fads, toys, dance crazes and catch phrases. I'd like to stay in the Cyndi Lauper suite.

What's on TV tonight?

This is so stupid, of course I find it funny.

Figures. When I was a wee lad, one of my friend's older brother used to call me "samwise" because he though I reminded him of this character.

Samwise Gamgee

A brave and loyal associate full of optimism, you remain true to your friends and their efforts, to whatever end. What Fantasy/Sci-Fi character are you?

Tim's chemistry exam.

New underwater motorcycle. But... how are you going to get it to Sturgis?

Mysterious No. 11 continues to hound the world, mankind.

Planning a trip soon? Plan to bring lots of cash and valuables? Don't forget your brief safe.

Future candidates of the Darwin Award (kids, don't try this at home) -- video link.

Jack Black to star in Peter Jackson's new King Kong remake. Is it going to be a comedy?

My big event of the weekend was taking Maddy up to the "Puppy
Social Hour" at PetSmart. Basically, for the social hour you sit in a
little pen in the middle of the store while about 15-20 puppies crash
all around you. It's kind of like one of those robot wars programs
that you see on TV. Terriers taking on the Pugs. Boxers against
the Shepherds. Chihuahuas chewing on Corgis. Actually, that
sounds more like something from Gangs of New York.

I've discovered Maddy is definitely a 'people person'. She had a
grand time wandering around from lap to lap, but she didn't seem
all that interested in playing with the other pups. But (not surprisingly),
I think she was the belle of the ball. EVERYONE wanted to hold her.
If they had a contest for the cutest pup, I'm sure she'd win. While
she was soaking up attention from everyone else, I befriended a
baby Great Dane (which, at 13 weeks, was probably larger than
your average labrador). "Blue" was a solid blue-gray -- just a
beautiful animal. So, I spent a good chunk of the hour being
weighted down with a hulking Marmaduke on my lap. It was a
very fun afternoon, and we both rested quite nicely afterwards.

Minnesota news story of the day: Scandia Coffee Guys foil crime.

About 20 of the guys were celebrating Kermit Granberg's 84th
birthday when the four boys "burst in" and "kinda broke up
Kermit's party," said Bruce Swenson, 65.

Yah. Dat would be kinda bad, I suppose.

More on the new $25 million Como Conservatory Visitor Center.

You're Pale Fire!

by Vladimir Nabokov

You're really into poetry and the interpretation thereof. Along the
road of life, you have had several identity crises which make it very unclear who you
are, let alone how to interpret poetry. You probably came from a foreign country, but
then again you seem foreign to everyone in ways unrelated to immigration. Most people
think you're quite funny, but maybe you're just sick. Talking to you ends up being much
like playing a round of the popular board game Clue.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Actually, this IS one of my favorite books...

Funny guy. George Bush mad a hilarious joke about not finding any WMD's
in Iraq at a recent media dinner. There was Bush looking under
furniture in a fruitless, frustrating search. "Those weapons of mass
destruction have got to be somewhere," he said.

I wonder if the families of the 690 dead soldiers and 3,383 wounded
found it as funny? I sure hope Bush finds about $108,246,935,326 in
loose change in those cushions, because that's what this war has
cost so far. Good job, Shecky!

The Norwegians are on to something here. Have small children pick up your dog poo. Hmmm. An idea is hatching...

iPodrace.

If you haven't seen American Express' Tiger Woods/Carl Spackler commercial, here it is.

Today is my 4th week anniversery with Maddy. I think I'll take her up to Como Park and let her chase some geese around (or vice versa)...

For any of you non-Minnesotans, we had a gorgeous day here yesterday. 67
degrees and sunny. After a long winter, you cannot believe how good that felt.
Maddy and I took a few walks in the neighborhood, and then went up to Como
Park for a PUPE (Pent Up Puppy Energy) walk. The way the kid chews leaves
and spits them out, you'd swear she was a professional ball player. Anyway, I
think I finally tired her out, so we both slept well last night.

We also went up the the local Pet supply store and got her signed up for Puppy Kindergarten. If it's anything like regular kindergarten (eating paste, chewing on crayons, biting the kid next to you), I'm sure she'll have a splendid time. Classes start on April 10th, so that's something to look forward to. I also got her a new crate for upstairs. At night, she'd been sleeping in a smaller pet carrier, but the way she's been growing... sheesh, I figured she could use some more space. Anyway, we got a nice big crate and then divided it to a more manageable space. And, of course, any trip to the store also means stocking up on food and treats and new toys.

Whew! What a day. I'm so glad spring has sprung.

I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. Taking a cue from Mel Gibson, my life story is re-appearing on the big screen. Monty Python is re-releasing The Life of Brian in theaters.

Speaking of... here's a handy guide of useful phrases in Aramaic.

Meanwhile, Ashton Kutscher and his damned Butterfly Effect is more popular than Jesus down under. Damn you, Ashton Kutscher!

How high should a woman's heels be? Well, here's the math.

8 ways not to get hit in the face with a brick.

Estimated annual snack sales.

Also, check out the 2003 Minnesota State Fair food consumption totals (at bottom of page). They've also started announcing new grandstand acts for this year -- ZZ Top, Smash Mouth, and the Allman Brothers. Sigh. Well, at least they've booked Los Lobos to play a free stage.

Say, Damon, can you pick up some more post-its? We're running low.

More pictures of Maddy. The bottom picture sums her "I'm too cool for you" attitude...

Au revoir, go-fer!... Rep. Arlon Linder defeated in bid to run again. And don't let
the door hit your pompous Christian ass on the way out.



(Photo from Len Schmid's Hateful Dork page.)

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army.

George Bush's Hotmail Account.

More news you can use. Urinal cake supplier gears up for a spirited presidential election.

Morgan Freeman to drive pace car at the Indy 500. Miss Daisy responds, "Slow down! This isn't the way to the Piggly Wiggly!"

I went to go see Starsky & Hutch yesterday.
It was okay. I wasn't expecting too much, and
it was fun, but it definitely could have been
better. My favorite scene (which I didn't know
about going in) was the Boogie Dance Off
between Starsky (Ben Stiller) and "Disco Rick".
Who plays Disco Rick? Why, Har Mar Superstar, of course.

Homestarrunner's 100th Strongbad e-mail.

Want to be depressed? Find out what other people accomplished when they were your age.

The Talking Heads Decision. I have another bizarre legal case to post about: the so-called "Talking Heads decision," U.S. v. Abner, 825 F.2d 835 (5th Cir. 1987). The decision, which is posted in its entirety in the continuation, contains numerous allusions to Talking Heads songs and albums.

Who's the funniest Senator?

Interesting site to watch. Bush vs. Kerry. See the last 5 blog postings to each candidates site -- side by side.

New documentary about Karl Rove -- Bush's Brain. "Bush's Brain" has been cracked open and exposed for the world to see.



This is what it's like walking a basset hound.

FYI on the local screenwriting scene:

There's going to be 2 public readings for the 2003 McKnight Screenwriting Fellow
winners coming up at the Jungle Theater. The McKnight is the holy grail of
local screenwriting contests. Shawn Otto won in 1999 and went on to adapt
the Oscar-nominated House of Sand and Fog.

AFTRA Twin Cities Local
IFP MSP & The McKnight Foundation
present
2003 McKNIGHT SCREENWRITING FELLOWS PUBLIC READINGS
Bob Yates - March 22, 2004
Michael Starrbury - March 23, 2004

Please join us to hear these wonderful screenplays read by top local professional actors. Each of these two Screenwriting Fellows received $25,000 and attended the IFP Market in NYC in September last year. The new Fellows for 2004 will be selected and announced in June, 2004.

Admission is free. Food and refreshments will be served.

"BIG BRENDA SHOCKS THE WORLD" by Bob Yates
Monday, March 22, 2004 at 7:00 PM
at The Jungle Theatre, Minneapolis MN
Casting by JR CASTING
Directed by Gayle Knutson

A comedy featuring a colorful, mid-30s single Mom (and former pro wrestler) who runs for high office in Iowa, 1956, assisted by her farmboy son. With bad publicity looming she agrees to appear to reconcile with her equally notorious wrestler ex-husband, a strategy that attracts votes and reunites their family.

Cast
Beth Gilleland
Brian Page
Jim Miller
Tom Winner
Barb Kingsley
Claudia Wilkins
Sally Wingert
Tamara Nerby
Stephen D'Ambrose
Richard Ooms



And finally, here's a writing question I have for any of you Catholics or Recovering Catholics. If a person where to go into a church and request to see baptism records (say, for someone born/baptized in 1971), would these be made available? Are church baptism records a matter of "public" record, or would it only be disclosed if you were an immediate family member? If anybody knows, please drop me an e-mail.

Miracle on 34th Street

Maddy had her vet appointment yesterday and believe it or not, she's now 11 lbs. 7 oz. That's over 50% more puppy mass in just 2 weeks.

Actually, I'm quite proud of her healthy growth. She's getting everything she needs -- food, water, walks (loitering), and lots of love. Makes some of those 2:30 jaunts out into the frigid Minnesota night seem worthwhile.

After our vet visit, we went up to Petco and met a wonderful older lady who gave us lots of advice.

Advice #1: I'm switching her dogfood (yet again -- this is my third brand, which I'll gradually phase in). They use lamb and rice, which are good for puppies, and don't have any wheat, corn or soy (which, apparently, are not so good). The woman seemed to know her stuff and had worked at IAMS (my current brand) for several years, and recommend this stuff. She also had 7 dogs, 6 of them from rescue shelters, so I think she was being on the up-and-up with me.

Advice #2: I told her about my fun with the T-shirt, and she kind of gave me a frowning look. Not good for puppies to play with "real" clothes. They need to learn to play with their toys, so my Maddy Ole game is now out the door. Drats! I was just starting to like that game...

Advice #3: When I asked her about puppy kindergarten and "socialization classes", she looked around suspiciously, and then confided that she works with a good trainer up at PetsMart in their Puppy Head Start program that she's worked with (PetSmart is a competitor to Petco, so I appreciated her candid advice). She suggested I give that I try. I'll look into that...

And finally, with Maddy having played with several puppies and me having a really weird conversation with some trucker dude with a pitbull, it was a full day. We got the new food, some new snacks, and a new gentle leader which I'm going to start trying out tomorrow.

Oh, and if these doggie posts are boring you -- go hum a few bars of Midnight At The Oasis. You'll feel better. Trust me.

Maddy and I have a vet appointment this afternoon where she's getting her second set of shots. Last visit she was 7lbs. 1oz. I'm curious to see how much she's grown in 2 weeks.

Some things I've learned thus far.

Toys: I've bought a bunch of toys, in all shapes and sizes. Plush toys, squeaky toys, ball toys, "pull toys", toys shaped like ducks and cows. What I've learned is that the best toy is one of my old T-shirts. We've started playing a game I like to call Maddy Ole, when I wave the T-shirt in front of her and she charges like a bull. Then whoosh, I whip it past her and yell "Ole!" We do this several times until I get bored and then just drape the T-shirt over her body, and she stumbled around like a little Basset ghost until she can extricate herself. And I laugh at her, just to keep her humble.

Chewing deterrants: I've got 2 bottles of a spray that you're supposed to spray on objects the puppy isn't supposed to chew on -- like my boots, for example. In a word, these products work like CRAP! Don't waste your money. After seeing no results, I finally sprayed some of this stuff on my fingers, and sure enough, Maddy proceeded to lick my fingers dry. It's supposed to taste bad, but Maddy doesn't seem to think so.

Walking: Technically, we don't really go for walks. It's more like an organized loitering, where I stand back by the garage while Maddy attacks and chews every leaf she can get her paws on. This is usually cute, except when it's 20 degrees outside with a 30 MPH wind at 2:30 in the morning. This is when I need to hum "Midnight at the Oasis" to keep myself sane.

Man to market new dog chariot. This, together with my Roman gladiator outfit, should make for some interesting outings over at Como Park. Hee-ya, Maddy. To battle!

Let the conspiracy theories begin. Madrid bombing takes place exactly 911 days after 9/11.

The end of an era. The Como Park carnival is being renovated and the O'Neill Amusements company is getting the boot. "I guess they wanted a more fancy park," said Ted O'Neill, a son of the founders. Lots of changes going on up at Como, so it will be interesting to see how the improvements go. They're also in the process of building a new visitor education center next to the conservatory.

The Exorcist in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

The Lord of the Rings, re-enacted by Peeps.

Forget Barbi and Ken. Get your Janet and Justin dolls today.

A woman from New York gets assigned Chris Rock's old cell phone number, and then proceeds to get calls from Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Lee, Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson, Ken Burns, etc.

I finally broke down and bought a CD after a long absence. I'm currently listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. They tour with Har Mar Superstar frequently, so I am just praying that they come to play the State Fair this year. Wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth?

Also, on my list of things I would like to do (but probably won't) -- The Fine Line is hosting a Replacements Tribute this Friday. I feel really adventurous, I may leave the kid for a couple of hours to check it out...

Steve Martin's script notes on The Passion. Love the Jesus character. So likeable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing: I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his superpowers to save himself?

More devastatingly adorable Maddy pictures...

Dave Barry on the federal deficit.

Interesting. President Bush's senior assistant for counterterrorism quits and goes to work for Kerry. He was convinced Bush had gone to war in Iraq too soon and had taken his eye off the global war on terrorism. Dude, didn't you get the memo that we captured Saddam? You know, that guy behind 9/11?

ATT's new text-to-speech tool. Have some fun with it. I've been make it talk to me like Eugene Levy in Bringin' Down the House. Try "You got me straight trippin boo."

Still confused about the election? Try this useful voter's guide.

Gotta love the continuing hypocrisy. Lynne Cheney (the VP's wife) wrote a lesbian romance novel in 1981 called "Sisters" and now it's being staged in New York.

My Maaaaaad-dy



I think I'm confusing the pup. One of my new tricks is to sing Maddy (to the tune of Al Jolson's Mammy).

Maddy, Maddy,
The sun shines East, the sun shines West,
But I've just learned where the sune shines best.
Maddy, Maddy,
My heart strings are tangled around Alabamy.
I'se a-comin' sorry that I made you wait,
I'se a-comin' hope and pray I'm not too late,
Maddy, Maddy,
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles,
MY MADDY

During our 2:00am visits outside, we also sing Midnight At The Oasis. She likes that.

Sad. Spalding Gray swims to Cambodia. Rest in peace.

On the brighter side of things: William Hung gets a recording contract.

Dogs take a lead over children. Woof!

Brilliant. New Reality Show from Turner Entertainment -- Gilligan's Island. TBS will collaborate with the creators of the original Gilligan's Island sitcom, Lloyd and Sherwood Schwartz, to shift the concept to the reality genre. It will feature a real-life skipper, first mate, millionaire couple, movie star, Kansas farm girl and professor. And, like the original show, they'll work together to try to get off the island. Episodes will be modeled after some of the situations that occurred on the original sitcom.

More interesting facts about our stupid electoral college system.

Can't wait to see the new Charlie Kaufman film - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's probably going to be a strange trip.

Duffle Bag with Legs

We got hit with a big snowstorm last night. Normally that wouldn't pose much of a problem, but with 5 inches or so on the driveway, and a Basset Hound with 4 inch legs -- it makes our "visits" outside a bit problematic. So, I got the snowblower out and cleared the runway. We should be set for a while.

Nothing else to report today. Just hanging out with the pup.

Love is a drug.

Which Simpson's character best fits your personality? I'm Apu. Would you like a grape squishy?

New DVD documentary about the Iraq war. UNCOVERED: The Whole Truth About The Iraq War. This controversial and arresting film offers an in-depth look at the actual arguments, speeches and spin given by President Bush and his senior advisors before, during, and after the Iraq invasion.

The Coen Brothers have a new movie coming out, starring Tom Hanks -- The Ladykillers.

A friend of mine sent me this link, to the lyrics of Auto Body Experience's (I'm Turning Into) Mister Wilson. Right on!

Stock up on your Basset Hound merchandise.

New Essay Generator. On Basset Hounds: In conclusion, Basset Hounds is both a need and a want. It brings peace, brought up a generation and is always fashionably late. The final say goes to the award winning Keanu Love Hewitt: 'I wouldn't be where I am today without Basset Hounds.' [3]

Adopt one Maddy, Get one free!

There's a little girl -- Madeline -- who lives just down the street, and she has decided to head the Maddy fan club. For 3 days running, she's come screaming up the street when we go out for a walk. "MADDY!" I hear, and then she comes blazing down the sidewalk with her clunky Sorel boots. I talked to Madeline's mom a bit yesterday, and it seems like she's trying to "time" my walks so that she's nearby when Maddy comes out. Now, I have long since groused about all the neighborhood kids that choose MY front lawn as the local playground. I think I just exacerbated that problem. Hmph! This seems to be our first unexpected drawback. This is ruining my Mr. Wilson reputation.

Maddy seems to have adjusted to home life just fine. Our housetraining is going well (I'll spare you the details), but I'm very much pleased at how easy that's been going. She's becoming a bit more vocal, especially when she wants to play. The first few days she didn't really go out for "walks". Characteristic of the Basset breed, Maddy seems to be a bit stubborn. First, she takes a few steps and then sits down on her butt like Eeyore. Then she pulls the leash with her teeth. Then, she gets up and tries walking in the opposite direction of where I want to go.

But, as of yesterday, we had official "walks" -- as much as you can call it that. She now trots a little, and then runs a little, but we usually don't get very far. Every time we get a nice pace going, she'll stop abruptly to stick her nose is some decaying leaves. Mmmm. Smells just like Daddy...

Playtime is usually in the living room, with all her toys scattered about. I would liken the scene to that of a early Japanese godzilla movie, where the monster ravages the small fishing village. I play the role the small Japanese island where all of the carnage takes place.

No links today. Needless to say, I haven't been surfing around nearly as much as I used to. Oh, bother.

I was actually pleased with the Oscars this year (relatively speaking). At least in the sense that I wasn't terribly disappointed with too many of the results. Why 'Rings' turned out to be a sure thing; I knew this was going to happen. I was also pleased that Sofia Coppola won for best original screenplay. The complete results for those who missed it.

Last night I watched one of my favorite underappreciated movies -- Box of Moonlight. It's my video pick of the week.

Summarize a novel in 25 words. Great Gatsby: My next door neighbour has led a pretty strange life, but he lies half the time. Also, I am a bit strange.

Yankee or Dixie?

Maddy update:

Went to the vet yesterday and got a clean bill of health. 7 lbs. 1 oz. Her next set of shots is due next week, and the vet predicted she'd weigh about 9 lbs by then. Uff da. Baby's getting big. I asked lots of questions about care and feeding, and the vet laughed at me when the topic of toe nail clipping came up. I told her I got one of these little safety clipper things, and she says, "Have you ever seen a full grown Basset's nails?". the she reached in a drawer and pulled out the most ominous pair of sheers I've ever seen. "You'll need one of these once she gets older. It can even cut a finger off, so be careful." A human finger.

Lost in the Cosmos

What a weekend. On Friday morning I got the call. Jen, who runs the rescue shelter, was visiting Cosmos -- about halfway between Madison and the twin cities -- and asked if I'd be available to pick her up. But of course! So I tossed everything in the car and took off. Two hours later I was sitting in a gas station parking lot, waiting for the pickup.

I should mention one funny thing that happened while I was waiting. As I was casing the gas station, looking for Jen (whom I'd only met once), I happened to notice a woman standing by her pickup truck. From behind, it looked like it could have been her, but I wasn't sure. So I approached non-chalantly, with my hands deep in my pockets. She turned and looked right at me. I gave this hugely goofy smile and said, "Hi." Nothing else. I just looked directly at her and said Hi.

And then a frozen recognition, or non-recognition. I realized it wasn't Jen. Her face didn't look the same, and Jen definitely wouldn't be wearing stilletto heals. So as I stood there, sheepish grin and all, the woman just looked at me like, "Hello? Do you want something?" I nodded like a dork, turned on a dime, and skulked away.

And that's when the woman got back into her truck and drove across the street to the "Cosmos Juice Bar - A Gentleman's Club".

Weird town. I came to find a basset hound and I almost picked up a stripper.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend has been a blur. Maddie's doing great. She was a little timid and scared the first day, but now she seems to have settled in and is 100% puppy. Sleep. Attack. Cuddle. Sleep. Attack. Cuddle. Those seem to be the primary three modes. Anyway, my coffee is not nearly strong enough to allow me to write more, so here's some pictures of Maddie, and of her new cousins.