Oscars? Boring. Yawn.

Defamer blogged the play-by-play of the entire show. I got, what, 8 out of 12 of my picks right? Hmmph.

Even with Charlie Kaufmann's win, the original screenplay is knocking on death's door. Welcome to Hollywood.

On the other hand, here's something I'd love to see. Charlie Kaufmann and The Coen Brothers are doing a special "screenplay" performance on the London stage. One night only. I hope somebody tapes it.

Go Ashcroft yourself! Ashcroft's name substitutes for obscenity in movie.

Diablo Cody has brought her NC-17 blog back, now that she's hung up her stripper heels for an editorial post as the City Pages. For example, here's her take on Million Dollar Baby:

Hilary Swank really stretches by playing a grimly determined butch. Matt Damon wasn't filming anything concurrently because Hilary got to wear The Teeth that month. Clint Eastwood looks like one of those withered hotdogs on the abandoned spit at Kwik-Trip. I heard there's a major twist at the end of this movie. Hint: The aliens are allergic to water.

Ah, she cracks me up. I'm adding her to my morning reading list.

Some romance novels I'd like to read.

The Onion: State of Minnesota too polite to ask for federal funding.

Good. Westerberg anthology and 'Mats reissues are on the way. Also interesting is that he appears to have recorded a new song with Tommy Stinson for Cameron Crowe's new movie Elizabethtown.

Aborted Errol Morris documentary on famous people discussing movies. Here's Donald Trump on Citizen Cane.

My Oscar Predictions (not necessarily my choices, however)

• Best Foreign Film: The Sea Inside
• Best Animated Feature: The Incredibles
• Best Documentary: Born Into Brothels
• Best Cinematography: A Very Long Engagement
• Best Supporting Actor: Thomas Haden Church (Sideways)
• Best Supporting Actress: Virginia Madsen (Sideways)
• Best Actor: Jaime Foxx (Ray)
• Best Actress: Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby)
• Best Screenplay (Adapted): Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby)
• Best Screenplay (Original): Charlie Kaufman (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
• Best Director: Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby)
• Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby

How confident am I of my picks? Not very.

This I cannot deny, baby's got bible.

Pickup in aisle 6. The new fad amongst you Gen-Y slacker -- Walmart games.

The poetic stylings of Jon Bon Jovi.

If you had a 5 hour car trip, could you listen to just one song on auto-repeat for the whole trip? An ABBA song? This guy can.

I just ordered the Miami Vice Season One DVD set. Oh yeah!

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone

In his new book, the Pope calls gay marriage part of an 'Ideology of Evil'. Because everybody knows that same-sex couples who are in love and want to get married are evil.

In unrelated news, the Catholic church reports over 1,000 new reported cases of sexual abuse in the last year alone. Last year, the bishops released an unprecedented statistical review that found 4,392 priests had been accused of molesting minors in 10,667 cases between 1950 and 2002 alone. These are cases REPORTED to the Catholic church, mind you. And the Pope, if I'm not mistaken, has been leading the church for over 25 years. During that period when they were more concerned with covering up the abuse scandal instead of stopping it.

I wonder if he has a chapter on that? Probably not. Well, at least he's tolerant of something.

Oh, I gotta get Maddy one of these. So we can do something like this Doggy Woggy Blog.

The mapping of a cat's brain.

Don't say anything mean about Salman Rushdie's super-hot wife... or he'll go all fatwa on you. With a baseball bat.

If anyone else is out there with a home network that they've never been able to get working quite right, try this new software from Network Magic. It's ridiculously easy to set up. Just install it on all of your computers (I have 3), and it autodetects the router and networking configurations. Then, just select any printers or file folders you want to share and voila... that's it. Quite impressed so far.

Who thinks I should get this T-shirt? Might make for an interesting addition to my summer wardrobe.

Do a Google Maps search for "Joke in Washington D.C." and see where they direct you to.

100 ways to order a pizza.

100 funniest jokes of all time.

The top 100 gadgets of all time.

Take this, Christo. The Somerville Gates.

Check out the Westminster Kennel Club's dog show video for Bassets. Here's the entries for the Basset Group. Weird dog names, though.

Anaconda It's So Floppy. Castlehill's Who's Yer Daddy. Sanchu-Topsfield Yahtzee.

And if there's 4 words a guy never wants to hear, it's Anaconda It's So Floppy.

Behold! Barnum's Lost Museum.

Avast! Some quizzes for ye mateys...

Michael Moore honored with new Ben & Jerry's flavor.

Dammit, Tommy! What's the first rule of fight club? Huh? THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB?!

Cool video of The Replacements on Saturday Night Live, in all their sloppy glory.

And here's some MP3's of Paul Westerberg from his Pantages shows last November. (If you're super industrious like me, you can can find the complete shows of all 3 concerts on Bittorrent).

On my must have list: the new director's cut of Donnie Darko.

DVD recommendation of the week: On the Beach. Gregory Peck, Ava Gardner, Anthony Perkins, and Fred Astaire -- and they're all gonna die.

Hello Kitty... Aliens?

Dogs Playing Poker painting fetches $600K. No bluff.

Um, honey? Yeah. You're a little off-key.

Missed this for Valentine's day, but it definitely should be watched. Do you like me? Yes or no.

The Snow Man
-- Wallace Stevens

One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;

And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,

Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

Here's what I did last Valentine's Day.

This Valentine's day I'm going to a dog training class with Maddy.

Here's some odd Valentine's day cards. And some grossly inappropriate love coupons.

I watched a little bit of the Grammy's last night, if only to confirm that I have no interest in pop music. No disrespect to Queen Latifah, but when she sang Lush Life, all I could think about was the definitive version. Hmmpf.

Stuff about Roger Ebert. I can't believe he gets paid to watch movies every day and then write about it in his sweatpants. Oh. Wait...

Why does Bush act so macho? Here's why.

Coming to the State Fair (hopefully) sometime soon. The Hamdog -- a hot dog wrapped by a beef patty that's deep fried, covered with chili, cheese and onions and served on a hoagie bun. Oh yeah, it's also topped with a fried egg and two fistfuls of fries. Stick that bad-boy on a stick and we've got a winner...

Somebody just sent me an invitation to attend the Modern Drunkard Convention in Denver. Thanks, but here in Minnesota we have our own boozefest. It's called February.

The new Como Visitor's Center is having it's grand opening on Saturday. I'll be there.

Some guy takes a self-portrait of himself everyday at exactly 9:09am, and then posts it on the internet. He's been doing it since 2002.

Hi-res photos of snowflakes.

I was out walking Maddy yesterday and I ran into one of my neighbors. There's a big brou-haha around here with the leader of the Vulcan Krewe sexually molesting three bartenders as part of a garter ritual at a bar last week.

Well, guess who lives just 1 block from me? I guess the local news has been camping out in his front lawn for the past few days. I don't know if the allegations against him are true or not, but Maddy's going to have a special lawn to "do her business" in from now on -- if it's true.

Oh, and for those of you not from St. Paul, who are scratching your heads and going "Vulcan leader"? Why, that's illogical... Here's the deal. Every year we have this big thing called the St. Paul Winter Carnival, and they do stuff like carve ice sculptures and build ice castles (sans Robby Benson) and do weird wintry stuff because everyone's so bored out of their skull here. And, as part of the carnival, they have these dudes dressed up like THIS -- called Vulcans -- who go around and harass the women-folk. Mostly it's harmless, but now... well, this might be the end of the Vulcans thanks to my neighbor.

And, today's most stupid thing on the internet: Eye of the Tiger.

Capri Pants and Me

One of the downsides (or is it upsides, hmmm?) of working at home is the complete and utter degradation of fashion awareness. Clothes get piled on as a matter of convenience and practicality. The other day, I dug out an old cream-colored turtle-neck sweater that I originally purchased because I thought it would make me look "writerly". Instead, I look like some old salty dog. Like a seafaring captain guy. Like the Gorton's Fisherman without the slicker. Oh, and the beard. And no pipe. But otherwise, just like that.

That became the "top half" of yesterday's ensemble. For the bottoms, I had some black long-underwear. In my house, that counts for pants. So, salty dog sweater and black leggings. Nice.

Anyway, I walk downstairs and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, only to exclaim in horror: Sweet-mother-of-God! I'm Laura Petrie!

Hmmm. The Pina Colada song -- in real life.

Peasant's Quest: The movie?

Bah. It's a slow week. Here's some pictures of Maddy at the dog park.

(photos courtesy of The Anns)

I finally got around to seeing Sideways yesterday. Based on the limited reviews I'd read, it sounded like "my type" of movie. Indie darling, character driven, loads of critical acclaim. From a purely technical standpoint, I had no qualms with it -- the writing, casting, acting, directing, editing, etc. -- all very good. But tell me, why do people like this movie so much? Did I miss something? Were all the critics swigging wine during the screenings?

I thought the story was cliched (at best) and the characters were pathetic. And even that is fine in most cases. I like pathetic characters. But, pathetic characters (to me) are only interesting if they learn something or evolve or change in some significant way over the course of the film. At the end of the movie, I found myself thinking: You know what? These 2 losers are going to be having the same road-trip in another 5 or 10 years because it's in their nature. And personally, I don't want to sit through the sequel.

Oh well. It's not going to be my pick at the Oscars, that's for sure.

(Pause. I just did some internet searches and confirmed that I am the only one on the planet that does not like this movie.)

Someone loses a frog. Hmmm. Mercury's got a new short film ad campaign called The Lucky Ones. Oddly enough, I like it.

Stephen King's Everything You Need to Know About Writing Successfully, in 10 Minutes.

And, How to write a first novel.

Here's what I'm doing tonight...

SCRIPT READING OF IFP MSP'S 2004 MCKNIGHT SCREENWRITING FELLOWSHIP WINNERS

IFP MSP invites you to two screenplay readings for the 2004 McKnight Screenwriting Fellowship recipients.

Monday, February 7 at 7:00 p.m. Susan Arakawa's "Mankai" is a drama/comedy about a young Japanese sushi chef who comes to America to work for a former Jewish deli owner and falls in love with his daugher.

Monday, February 14 at 7:00 p.m. Brad Pecelj's "An Unforgettable Stranger" is a mystery/drama about a husband and wife living in a loveless marriage who wonder if they married the right person. Two strangers bring each of them something that might help them make up their minds; a situation complicated by the fact that one of those persons is dead.

Both readings will take place at the Jungle Theater, located at 2951 Lyndale Avenue South in Minneapolis. Don't miss this special event!

Each received a $25,000 cash award, a public reading of their winning screenplay, and guaranteed admission into the 2004 IFP Market in New York.

I hate sushi. Well, except this kind.

Overheard in the office.

I think this is supposed to be anti-drug. But...

McSweeneys: Commandments the Almighty Decided to Drop in His Seventh Revision So As Not to Overwhelm His Chosen People.

More evidence that Minnesotans are just downright nutty: The town of Gilbert is putting on a summer festival called "Whorehouse Days". The festival will feature 1920s vintage cars, an antiques fair, a bank robbery re-enactment, a four-poster bed race and competitive beer mug sliding along an outdoor bar that organizers hope is worthy of the Guinness Book of World Records... "We may even put on a show," Cap said. "We could call it 'The Best Little Whorehouse in Gilbert, ya sure.' " I just hope they have a Miss Whore contest. Somebody call Courtney Love's publicist.

Oh yeah, I've got feng shui... in my pants!

Baby Doll Noir

I'm not sure exactly why it happens, but I find that my taste in music kind of shifts over time. It doesn't change exactly, but the focus point kind of centers on a different letter of the musical ouija board. Right now I'm kind of into this gritty, moody, ballady stuff. No, not like that Norah Jones crap -- stuff like Tom Waits and Neko Case and Nick Cave and, more recently, Shivaree.

Last night I was listening to the 89.3 -- The Current -- and heard "Goodnight Moon". Turns out it was the song played during the credit roll of Kill Bill Vol. 2, and it struck a nerve. It was sultry, rock-a-billy, twangy, moody, atmospheric, with just a hint of country. Very Tarantino. I dug it. I did some google searches and found one review that called it Baby Doll Noir, which, oddly, is probably the best way to describe it.

Anyway, feeling the urge to pump some new energy into my iPod, I got a couple of their albums. It's not all brilliant, but check out "Idiot's Waltz", "New Casablanca", "Mexican Boyfriend", and "I Close My Eyes" (open up iTunes if you have it and search away). In my head, I'm driving down Sunset Boulevarde in a convertible... at night... alone...

Here's what another review had to say:

Shivaree is meant for girls, boys, men, and women. Shivaree is meant for soundtracks to hip movies. Shivaree is for poets and jazz cats. Shivaree should be played in rooms where people kiss. But most importantly, Shivaree should be heard by you.

Touche. Here's the cool part: they're playing The 400 Bar on the 21st. Who's coming with?

I also got Tom Waits' Closing Time and Rain Dogs. I was just thinking about his song "9th and Hennepin" last week, because I was -- duh -- having dinner at 9th and Hennepin. Back in the early 70's (from what I understand), this was a very sketchy section of Minneapolis -- winos and hookers. Tom Waits country. Anyway, today it's home to a the swanky downtown restaurant/theater scene. Sigh. It's almost too bad.

And while we're talking about music today -- sign the petition. Please.

Damn varmint!

I've got the 'do, so now time for a Rockstar name. I'm Slash Celery.

Okay, now I don't feel so bad about the dancing pirate video. Numanuma.

Interesting new Volkswagen ad with an update to Singin' in the Rain.

If you've been following the ridiculous flap about how the Christian conservatives are all wigged out about the homosexual overtones of Spongebob, here's something even more blatant. Bugs Bunny. I sure hope congress takes some action on this.

Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europe vincendarum. (Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.) Other useful pickup lines, er, latin sayings here.

Damn you, Randy Newman! Compare your height to famous celebrities. Hey, I'm taller than... Billy Barty. And that's about it.

And, if you're really bored, check out my last Vegas Vacation from 4 years ago.