House of Hounds

I'm dog-sitting Lilly, the tree-climbing hound this week. So, not much to post today.

David Byrne -- still making sense. I'm listening to his internet radio station right now.

I'm going to have to start looking on eBay for one of these -- Gaylord, the walkity, walkity basset hound.

New CD: Songs to make dogs happy? The Los Angeles singer-songwriter says his new song "Squeaky-Deakey" is a "break-out hit"-- among dogs. It's on a CD that also features such tunes as "You're a Good Dog,"I Love Food," and "Scratch My Back." No songs about butt-sniffing though.

Go on. Destroy my web page. I dare ya.

Sigh. Guess what movie's getting a sequel? The Butterfly Effect 2. Ashton Kutcher, isn't expected to be involved... It's still going to suck, though.

Virtual bartender. Go on, ask her to make a Jamaican Bacon...

Wedding cancelled after spirit and bacon cocktail on stag night.

This reminded of of last Friday's night's happy hour. Amidst other philosophical ramblings, the topic of bacon came up. Not Sir Francis Bacon. Sir Bacon Bacon, the meat.

Anyway, Luke insisted that Bacon pretty much works in any dish, so we decided to put him to the test with a Bacon cocktail. The ingredients were Myer's Dark Rum, Pineapple Juice, and Bacon. We dubbed it the "Jamaican Bacon", though it could have been alternately called a "Hog Tai". Let's watch.



Luke finally conceded that, okay, maybe Bacon doesn't go with EVERYTHING. Maybe tonight we'll try a new recipe...

The Brady Bunch, as envisioned by a narcissist.

Okay, this really isn't funny, but it is ironic. Video of a gun safety instructor telling kids about the importance of being careful. Then he shoots himself in the foot. Ouch.

The Top 20 Monty Python Skits.

Download yourself a free David Hasselhoff calendar.

Two words that don't go very good together: Baptist and Science. At the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair 2001, the first place prize went to "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)". Um. Unfortunately they put in a picture of Uncle Steve, and I for one am not convinced.

How far can you go before somebody actually checks your credit card signature?

Mosaic of a dog made up of beer labels.

And yet more bad album cover art.

The Onion: Script could use another pass, mom says and I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to figure out what that 'L' Word is.

The 23rd Annual Minneapolis - St. Paul International Film Festival opens in a little over a week. I keep saying it, but this year I'm going to try to partake in some of the films.

Best headline of the day: Kutcher Vomits in Moore's House After Dog Mess Encounter. Me and Demi's dog are going to get along juuuuust fine.

A gallery of the best album cover art... ever.

The 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman. And, of course, here's the 30 un-hottest things you can say.

Some guy likes writing Amazon reviews just a little too much.

Let the games begin! It's never too early to start making your Minnesota State Fair plans.

The first grandstand act announced: Motley Crue's Smell The Glove Carnival of Sin Tour. Tickets go on sale today at noon.

I suppose I have to get some, don't I? Anybody interested?

Oh, I wish I had my camera last night. The hound made me laugh like I haven't laughed in a long time. I'll just have to describe it.

We were settled in for the evening with a fire blazing in the hearth, and the rest of the room being warmed by the crackling voices of American Idol. Maddy was in play mode -- jumping up on the couch -- pawing at me trying to get a reaction -- and then bounding down to flip toys in the air.

She has one toy that used to be a hedgehog. Now, It's just a destroyed lump of gray fur attached to a circular rope. Anyway, I tried to ignore her so she would settle down, but that didn't work too well. I finally gave in and glanced over at her.

There she was looking back at me. She had the rope part of the hedgehog toy in her mouth, and she had flipped the gray fur over on top of her head. What killed me is that it looked just like a dog wearing a really bad toupé. Hard to describe, but I started laughing and then she just tilted her head and looked at me, as if to say "whaaat?" And the toupé shifted just a bit. And that made me laugh harder.

Silly hound.

Maddy and I just completed our latest series of training classes on Monday night. When we were taking our first series of classes, we had to start each class by telling a little story about something "good" our dog did during the past week. I think I had the same answer every time. "Um. She made me laugh."

To wit: A little over a week ago she did something equally funny. We were going for a walk in the neighborhood, and she decided she was going to leap over a snow bank. She started running, building up a good head of steam, and then leapt. Only her take-off was impeded by a patch of glare ice, preventing her from getting any traction. The result: Maddy plunged full speed and face first into the snow bank. Again, I laughed, even as she embarrassedly kind of shook it off with a "I meant to do that" saunter.

Dogs. Goofier than Republicans.

And the good times continue. If you're not doing anything tonight, come check out Cinema Lounge at the Bryant Lake Bowl. It's a local showcase of independent film by artists here in the twin cities. My friend Ann is screening three of her shorts tonight, followed by a Q & A session.

Should be fun.

Make your own web-version of a ransom note.

Filling out T.P.S. reports... with Super Heros. (If you haven't seen Office Space, the joke might be kind of lost on you).

It's the end of the world.

How old do you think I am?

Sigh. Demi Moore may be pregnant. As if there weren't enough Kutchers in the world already.

It's 7:35 in the morning.

McSweeney's guide: How to talk to your kids about almost anything.

Jesus is Magic. Sarah Silverman is not politically correct (ahem, language is probably not safe for work). But I like her anyway.

Video picks of the week: Before Sunset (the sequel to Before Sunrise). This is one of the few cases where I actually liked the sequel. See both together.

I wonder what happens when some redneck runs into a car with 4 little old ladies?

Hilarity. (MP3 clip)

Adjectives rarely used by wine tasters.

Bah, I've been busy but I'll have more tomorrow. Just listen to the clip a few times if you're bored.

Oh, cruel winter. Yesterday it was a balmy 60 degree day. Today, it's 27 with strong winds and flurries. Sigh.

The best thing about a 60 degree day in Minnesota is that everybody gets out to enjoy the weather. The worst thing is that everything is melted and muddy, which poses certain challenges for my low-slung monkey hound. We went for a long walk around Como, and by the time we were finished her belly was a sopping muddy mess.

I'm thinking about inventing something that will wash the undercarriage of the hound. Something with several spray nozzles and warm water. Something I will market as the Basset Bidet.

I saw Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education last week. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. It's very Hitchcockian, but I won't go into the plot details or anything. It's just a twisty, story within a story type of movie. Better than most movies I've seen recently.

Before the movie, there was also a trailer for this movie which looks weird -- Kung Fu Hustle.

Have some fun with Montage-a-Google. (Try "myprontopup" and note the weird results)

A trippy but quite excellent animation scored to John Coltrane's Giant Steps.

Just dumb stuff today -- it's Friday.

Remember Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years? Well, she's now a math geek. Go to the "mathematics" section of her web site and you can ask her a math question.

A dictionary of old hobo slang.

McSweeney's: The Roadrunner's Diary and Three short things for Monday Friday and more from the shut-in detectives.

Spoof of Apple's famous 1984 commercial. Yeah, well, whatever.

Ironic. Former Sex Pistol Glen Matlock condemns swearing.

Interesting new viral marketing ad featuring John Cleese -- The Institute for Backup Trauma.

Finding the A-Team, a user's guide.

Tim Robbins' one-finger salute to Chris Rock at the Academy Awards.

In a similar vein, here's Napoleon.

Breaking into the screenwriting biz, from all accounts, is kind of like trying to break into Fort Knox with a Ronald Reagan mask and a swiss army knife. Not easy.

For example, some guy just took out a half-page "open letter" to Josh Hartnett in the City Pages trying to get him to read his screenplay. Here's the full text of his ad, which I dutifully scanned in. (update: doh! There's actually an official version as well).

Now, while I applaud his effort, and I hope he gets someone to read his damn screenplay, a few things come to mind after reading his diatribe.

1. ...there seems to be a gap in the American Dream, actually, more of a catch 22... How is this a catch-22? How? A catch-22 is a situation where you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't". How is nobody wanting to read your script "damned" in any way? You're damned, yes. We all are. But how are you different from any of the other thousands of unknown screenwriters out there? Starting a letter with a whiny complaint hardly seems to be the most effective means for somebody to give you your big break.
2. ...a script to you that will probably win you the award for Best Actor in the Academy Awards... Um. A) That's a bit egotistical considering nobody seems to want to read your script, B) How many times do you think Josh has heard this when he's handed a new script, and C) if you want an ACTOR to take you up on this offer, I'd at least concede that HE'D win for "acting", not for just reading some lines that you wrote.
3. ...although this ad is costing me more than I can really afford as I am retired and on a fixed income... Yeah, like that's going to REALLY help. Just advertise the fact that you're old and Hollywood is going to beat a path to your doorstep. Really, dude, think about it.
4. ..."we cannot accept unsolicited material and the agencies won't as well"...Pick up a book on screenwriting and you'll realize that this IS the case with most of the insiders in the movie business. It's all about legality and copyright. If they read your script about the Cocoanut Grove fire and 'coincidentally' already have a project in the works on the same topic, now the studio legal mucks get all uptight. Thus, most places that are involved directly in the producing of movies won't read unsolicited works. Welcome to reality.
5. ...I'm one of the many little people in the country who lays down $8 or more to see your films. I must say in many cases, I'm disappointed...Very smart. Slag on Josh Hartnett for being part of the Hollywood apparatchik that consistently screws YOU, the "little guy", by releasing crappy movies...

Basically, in my oh-so-humble opinion, this is poorly constructed letter that probably defeats the author's intended purpose. And I'm not just saying that because I want to send the magnicently talented Josh Hartnett a script of my own someday. Oh, say a script where he gets to make out with Audrey Tautou instead of being a hero in some dumb cocoanut fire melodrama... You won't see me asking Josh Hartnett, the voice of our generation, to sit down over a cup of steaming cappuccino (my treat by the way) to discuss the nuances of his role where again, I should mention, he'll get to make out with Audrey Tautou. No. You wouldn't find me stooping to those levels.

No, my own subversive ruse is to slag on Ashton Kutcher long enough that he finds my blog and that will be my entre in the world of Hollywood. Not that I really cares if he reads my screenplay or not. In fact I don't even care about the screenplay. I just want a shot at Demi.

And I'm patient.