August 26, 2001

5:16pm

Day 4: The State Fair Milk Run

I did it! I finished an the 8K State Fair Milk Run race and I didn't stop or walk once (or puke or fall, for that matter). Immediately after my breathtaking finish, I was interviewed by the great Howard Cosell.

Howard Cosell: Brian, I havta tell ya that was ONE AMAZING RACE...

Brian: Thanks, Howard. I really appreciate that...

Howard: So, how did you manage to put forth such a spectacular effort? Weren't you intimidated in the least bit by some of your competion, like that Paul Hasse fella?

Brian: Well, as most of us 'racers' know, running is really a mental sport. And, when I think of mental sports, I just happen to think of Paul Hasse. So, yeah, it was a bit intimidating, but you just have to run your own race, be your own runner. Oh, and not fall. Not falling is actually a big part of it...

Howard: Which, I must say, you managed to do--or should I say NOT do--brilliantly. What were you thinking out there that kept you going?

Brian: Good question, Howard. I'd have to say it was a great many things. First, at the beginning of the race I ran mostly out of fear because there were a lot of other psycho joggers behind me. In my mind, it was a stampede of herding buffalo and I was but a confused prairie dog.

Howard: A confused prairie dog with a heart of gold.

Brian: I guess... Then, towards the middle of the race, I thought of Forrest Gump. You know, that part where he's running and running and running and all these people are just following him? And the running isn't really running. Rather, it's symbolic of man's quest for the true meaning of life... Well, I was thinking that for a few minutes until I realized that Forrest never had so many people pass him when he ran.

Howard: Isn't he the fella that said life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you're going to get?...

Brian: Who cares? My point is that people PASSED me, and that sucked. My final burst of inspiration came as I entered the speedway track towards the end of the race. As I climbed the hill and entered the stadium, before me were thousands upon thousands amassed to see my greatness. So I became 'Gladiator'.

Howard: Oh, like a fierce warrior ready to defend his honor, if not his life?

Brian: No... What do you think? A guy being chased by hungry lions and other scary dudes with swords... That's !@#$! scary! It made me run faster.

Howard: So what's next for this up-and-coming star of the 'fun run' circuit?

Brian: Well, now that I've managed to craft body into a finely tuned athletic machine, I've decided to set my sights on another challenging race--the James Page Blubber Run on September 22. I don't think I have to anwer to my critics anymore, I know I've put to rest many of those insipid rumors that I'm an awkward spaz who runs like ostrich... I think people are going to remember my name from now on.

Howard: I'm sure they will, Brian, I'm sure they will... Well, that's all the time we have for today. We wish you the best and I'm sure we'll be seeing more of this rising star in the future... For ABC news, this is Howard Cosell.

Brian: Where's the bathroom?

Unimax was well represented at this race. Penny, Sarah and Eve all did very well, if finishing before me can be viewed as 'very well'. I kept up to them stride for stride, but then the race actually started, and I fell behind like a sickly member of the herd waiting for Darwinian justice. Paul did good, but he said he was only doing this as a 'social race'. Social, my ass! I think he ran fast just to make me look bad. I don't think he even broke a sweat. But I'll fix him. Let's see how fast he runs when he's being chased through the parking garage by a '95 Dodge Neon. Then let's call it a 'social run', shall we? Teresa... I think she did good, but I haven't spoken to her much since the finish. I overhead her say, "Him? I don't know him? I think he works at my company, but I'm not sure..." Thanks a lot, Teresa...

Also, a special thanks to Kim for her action photos...

The eye of the storm. Ground zero.

Go Pen-ny!... Go Pen-ny!

Sarah, Sara, Fo Farrah!...

Aw, Cripes, wouldja look at that? Must have been a bad angle or something because I know I'm a lot more graceful than this... Right?... RIGHT???

(P.S. You know what mental image comes to mind? A basset hound chasing a stick...)

And, get this, my time was 59:59. I beat the 1 hour mark by a mere second. I was just finishing the race when I saw the race clock ticking precariously close to 1 hour. So, I gave it every last ounce of effort that I could muster. If you consider the fact that I was the VERY LAST runner to beat the hour mark, well, that's something, right? (oh, and for anyone that knows anything about the time it should take to run 8K, the answer is YES, I AM able-bodied...)